March 7, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, presidential candidate Ben Carson dropped out of the race saying, “I did the math. I looked at the delegate counts … and I realized it simply wasn’t going to happen.” Adding, “And then I waited three months.”

2. Over the weekend, rapper Flavor Flav delivered the weather report on a local news station in Utah. Unsurprisingly, the night’s top story was “Black man spotted in Utah.”

3. During a speech Saturday night, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he was not surprised that rival Ted Cruz won the Maine caucus since it is so close to Canada. So I guess he won’t be surprised when Marco Rubio wins Kansas since it’s the only way to get to Munchkin Land.

4. Senate minority leader Harry Reid said the Republican party created “a Frankenstein monster” in Donald Trump. Which explains why Trump has such a big head and such tiny little hands.

5. Last night Democratic presidential candidates Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton traded barbs during a debate in Flint, Michigan that became heated at times. Although, there were conciliatory moments, like when Hillary offered to pour a tall glass of tap water for Bernie.

6. At a rally on Saturday, Donald Trump asked his supporters in attendance to raise their right hand and vow to vote for him. And, to their credit, almost half of them knew which one was their right hand.

7. After a picture of a young mother breastfeeding at a Bernie Sanders rally appeared online, the hashtag #BoobsForBernie went viral. “I knew I backed the wrong candidate,” said Bill Clinton.

8. On Saturday night, Republican Ted Cruz won the Kansas caucus, garnering 48% of the vote. “Thank God, we’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto,” said Dorothy.

9. Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has decided to retire from the NFL. Peyton wants to spend more time at home with Papa John’s family.

10. NASA estimates that during his year in space, astronaut Scott Kelly drank almost 200 gallons of water filtered from his own urine or sweat. Which is why, when he landed, he was immediately named CEO of Mountain Dew.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.