March 2, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After securing the endorsement of NASCAR’s CEO, Donald Trump said “if the people who like and watch NASCAR vote for Donald Trump, they can cancel the election right now – nobody can win.” Which is technically correct, because people with criminal histories can’t vote.

2. Over the weekend, New York Mets All-Star outfielder Yoenis Cespedes bought an award winning pig from a county fair for $7,000. It was the most money a professional athlete had spent on a pig since golfer John Daly had breakfast at Denny’s the day before.

3. A batch of newly declassified government documents included a copy of Osama bin Laden’s handwritten will in which he claimed to have $29 million that he wished to be used on “jihad for the sake of Allah,” Or, a jet-ski.

4. According to reports, Apple engineers are now trying to design an unbreakable iPhone. “Challenge accepted,” said drunk girls.

5. According to a state grand jury report released on Tuesday, hundreds of children in western Pennsylvania were sexually assaulted by about 50 Roman Catholic priests over four decades while bishops covered up their actions. “I smell a sequel,” said the director of ‘Spotlight.’

6. According to newly declassified documents, Osama bin Laden wrote a letter in 2009 calling on the American people to help President Obama fight “catastrophic” climate change and “save humanity.” Which really put Al Gore in an awkward situation.

7. Proponents announced plans on Tuesday for an Ohio ballot initiative that would legalize medical marijuana one year after a push for recreational versions of the drug was shot down by the state’s voters. Unsurprisingly, the initiative supporters have a very short memory.

8. Producers have announced that the upcoming “Star Wars” films will probably contain gay characters. Which is a real blow to hardcore, conservative sci-fi fans who want the new movies to stick to the ideals espoused in the originals, specifically, incest.

9. Responding to Marco Rubio’s claim that Donald Trump has “small hands,” on Tuesday, Trump said that many people think he has “beautiful hands.” And I agree, Trump’s tiny little hands are probably the best looking part of his body.

10. China may lay off as many as 6 million state workers over the next two to three years as part of efforts to curb industrial overcapacity. Yet more proof that building a great wall doesn’t help to save jobs.

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