March 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, the NFL said the so-called Gronkowski cruise, in which Patriots tight-end Rob Gronkowski made a paid appearance on a four-day cruise Norwegian Cruise, is not being investigated by the league. Although, the cruise is being investigated by the Center for Disease Control.

2. Yesterday, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas asked a question during a case for the first time in over 10 years. Unfortunately, it was “Did anyone call dibs on Scalia’s robe?”

3. According to a new study, women in many U.S. states are given misleading information in state-issued brochures when they seek abortions. Specifically, the brochure entitled “So You’re Going to Hell.”

4. During Sunday night’s Academy Awards, host Chris Rock invited members of his daughters’ Girl Scout troop into the Dolby Theater mid-show to sell boxes of cookies to the seated stars. “Of course it’s the year I’m not nominated,” said a visibly upset Jonah Hill.

5. According to national ratings data, 34.3 million Americans watched the 2016 Oscars ceremony on Sunday, the smallest TV audience in eight years. But part of that’s because they counted Jada Pinkett Smith as three people.

6. After being nominated four times, Leonardo DiCaprio finally won an Oscar on Sunday, taking home the best actor statuette for his role in “The Revenant.” So finally things are looking up for this guy:
dicaprio

7. According to a new study, people with a history of fainting spells or blackouts may be more likely to get into car crashes than the typical driver. The study was conducted by following Billy Joel around for a week.

8. In a new book called “Dear Pope Francis,” the Pope answers 31 drawings and questions posed by children from around the world. Although, to be fair, most of the kids’ drawings where just police outlines about where the priests had touched them.

9. According to a new study, women may experience small benefits from a drug approved last year to treat low sexual desire, but are at a high risk of experiencing unpleasant side effects. Although, on the plus side, now when you say “Not tonight honey, I have a headache,” you may actually be telling the truth.

10. Businessman Tokyo Sexwale withdrew from the FIFA presidential race minutes before last Friday’s vote. Which makes sense, because anytime I attempt a tokyo sexwale, I always make sure to end it by pulling out.

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