February 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new survey, more young voters would rather have a meal with Bernie Sanders than Beyonce. So, hope you like herring with a side of schmaltz, kids.

2. On Friday, former-Mexican president Vicente Fox said that Donald Trump reminded him of Adolf Hitler. Which can only mean one thing, Fox heard about the Hitler micro-penis story.

3. MAC Cosmetics announced on Friday that it is partnering with Caitlyn Jenner to develop a make-up line. So you know that line is gonna have one hell of a concealer.

4. At the end of last night’s Academy Awards, which ran thirty minutes long, “Spotlight” won the Oscar for Best Motion Picture of the Year. So let’s hope, for his sake, the Pope’s DVR cut off the ending.

5. Because it’s a leap year, today is February 29th. It’s a phenomenon they we only get to experience every four years, like Hillary Clinton trying to smile through a grimace.

6. The Democratic National Committee has launched a social media campaign to get President Obama to nominate a replacement for Justice Scalia with the hashtag #FillTheSeat. Not to be confused with the hashtag I started to get my gross neighbor who likes to walk around naked to get dressed called #PutOnARobe.

7. A crew of goats brought in to devour invasive plants at a Oregon state park have been fired because they ate indiscriminately, cost nearly five times as much as humans and smelled far worse. Which are coincidentally the exact same reasons Steven Seagal got fired from his last movie.

8. In a campaign speech in Georgia on Saturday, presidential candidate Marco Rubio said Donald Trump “should sue whoever did that to his face.” Presumably because Rubio ran out of ‘Yo Mama’ jokes.

9. On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate John Kasich predicted that Donald Trump will sweep all 12 of the Super Tuesday states this week. But, you should take that prediction with a grain of salt since it comes from the guy who also predicted that John Kasich had a realistic shot at being president.

10. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said on Friday that if elected he would “open up” libel laws to make suing the media easier. And, in future news, Donald Trump’s lawyers have died of exhaustion.

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