February 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Donald Trump’s wife Melania said her husband’s ‘amazing mind’ helped her fall for him. So I guess ‘mind’ translates to ‘money’ in Slovenian.

2. Engineers in Boston have unveiled a humanoid robot that can withstand getting pushed in the chest by a hockey stick without falling over. Now comes the robot’s hardest test, dating Chris Brown.

3. A bill approved this week in Iowa’s state House, would allow children of all ages to be allowed to use handguns with adult supervision. Said one armed-toddler to his mother, “Now, I’ll ask you again, do I have to take a nap today?”

4. Ben Carson said Thursday he has no plans to leave the presidential race anytime soon, despite his poor showings in the last four contests. And no one is more upset than me, because I won’t be able to make my ‘Carson is black history in Black History month’ joke. (I snuck it in anyway).

5. According to a New York Times report, nearly 300 U.S. residents have applied for jobs at Donald Trump’s Mar-a-lago residence, but only 17 have been hired. But, in Trump’s defense, many of those American workers weren’t rejected but instead wait-listed until a position becomes open like head chef or fourth wife

6. O.J. Simpson has been critical of Cuba Gooding Jr., who was cast to play him in the FX series about the infamous murder trial, saying the actor was too short and had too small of a head. Simpson went on to criticize the entire show saying, on the night of the murder, Nicole didn’t scream that much and there was a lot more blood.

7. According to airport executives, Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport, the world’s busiest airport, would prefer to be called “the world’s most-traveled airport.” And, in related news, Nadya Sulemon, the Octomom, would prefer it if you called her “the world’s most traveled uterus,”

8. A Canadian man was arrested after trying to smuggled 38 turtles into the U.S. Smuggling 38 turtles in your pants seems like a bad idea, especially after you find out that they were snapping turtles.

9. A South Carolina police officer was recently arrested for masturbating in his patrol car. The arrest marks the first time in history that a motorist got a ticket but also got off.

10. On Monday, Camille Cosby, the wife of embattled comedian Bill Cosby, was deposed at a hotel in Massachusetts in the civil suit against her husband. After the deposition Bill Cosby was in good spirits because, as he said, “No ever remembers anything that happens in a hotel.”

11. On Friday, famous author Harper Lee died at the age of 89. Lee is survived by a lot of very happy mockingbirds.

12. According to a new study, South Dakota is the state that gets the most sleep. Because, apparently, boredom-induced comas count as sleep.

13. According to a new study, Hawaii is the state that gets the least sleep. Specifically, the area around Pearl Harbor, still pretty jumpy there.

14. Last week, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker signed a law allowing people to carry concealed switchblades. And, in related news, Wisconsin’s Jet on Shark violence has increased by 1000%.

15. According to reports, former U.S. Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney will endorse Marco Rubio in the race for the party’s presidential nomination. Which is disappointing news to Hillary Clinton’s husband Bill who wanted access to Romney’s binders full of women.

16. According to a new poll, a majority of Americans believe it should be up to President Obama to nominate the next Supreme Court justice. Although, the results should be taken with a grain of salt since, when they were informed of the opening on the court, most Americans responded “Oh no, what happened to Judge Judy!?!”

17. On Friday, physicist Stephen Hawking unveiled the new Virgin Galactic spaceship and named it Unity in a recorded speech. But, when you think about it, isn’t every Stephen Hawking speech a recorded speech?

18. On Friday, Virgin Galactic unveiled a new passenger spacecraft and Virgin CEO Richard Branson offered famed British physicist Stephen Hawking the first trip into space. Meaning they will have to wait until the second trip to attempt the first space walk.

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