February 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Officials at a Super PAC aimed at taking down Donald Trump said recently there is no silver bullet to get rid of Trump. Although, three years of marriage to the same woman seems to do the trick.

2. On Wednesday, Carla Hayden was nominated by President Obama to be the next Librarian of Congress. Hayden’s friends and families celebrated the nomination where upon Hayden immediately shushed them.

3. According to a new study, Baghdad, Iraq is the least livable city in the world. You’d be shocked what it costs to rent a nice spider-hole there these days.

4. A group of ISIS supporters have released a video vowing to kill the CEOs of Twitter and Facebook. Although, I don’t think I would call Tom from MySpace an ISIS supporter.

5. Facebook rolled out ‘Reactions,’ an extension of the ‘Like’ button, worldwide on Wednesday, allowing users to express love, laughter, wow, anger, and sadness. Or, as they are more commonly known, the five stages of finding out that Donald Trump is running for president.

6. A new book claims that Adolf Hitler had a micro-penis. Which explains why, when Hitler invaded Poland, Eva Braun said, under her breath, “That’s the first thing he’s successfully invaded in years.”

7. According to a new study, half of all black gay and bisexual men in the United States are projected to be diagnosed with HIV. Which means, statistically speaking, the guy standing next to Magic Johnson is probably okay.

8. A woman in Israel lives with, feeds and cares for around 70 bats in her small apartment. That story again, now cat ladies have someone to call crazy.

9. A man in London has officially changed his name to ‘Bacon Double-Cheeseburger.’ I don’t know much about the guy, but I can guarantee one thing, he’s not Jewish.

10. British doctors say more parents are requesting “vaginal seeding”, when a swab from the mother’s vagina is wiped over a newborn’s mouth, eyes and face after a caesarean-section birth. It’s a great way to teach your kids right off the bat that there are no shortcuts in life.

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