February 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush dropped out of the race over the weekend after spending over $150 million without winning a single primary. Jeb may not be qualified to be president, but, with a track record like that, he could easily run the Knicks.

2. This week, Waze, Google’s navigation app, added the voice of actor Morgan Freeman as an option to give directions. Unsurprisingly, the Freeman voice ends every direction given to the driver with “Yes, Miss Daisy.”

3. Nissan has invented self-powered office chairs that park themselves back into their original position with a simple clap of the hands. “It takes clapping? Then I guess those chairs are staying where they are,” said Jeb Bush.

4. It was announced on Tuesday that London’s new subway line, connecting east and west London, will be named after Queen Elizabeth. And, if it’s anything like New York’s subway lines, someone will definitely show you their crown jewels.

5. A woman in Israel lives with, feeds and cares for around 70 bats in her small apartment. Unsurprisingly, much like Jennifer Garner, there is no batman in her life.

6. A man in London has officially changed his name to ‘Bacon Double-Cheeseburger.’ Which will undoubtedly result in a very stupid version of ‘Who’s on First’ when the girl behind the McDonald’s counter asks him “What’s the name on this order?”

7. NASA is inviting the public to send art to an asteroid that is deep in space on its new spacecraft. May I suggest everything that Yoko Ono has ever done.

8. Ben Carson said when he’s elected president he’ll be the first African-American to hold the position because President Obama was “raised white.” The crazy thing is Ben Carson thinking he’s blacker than President Obama is only the second most delusional part of that sentence.

9. During last night’s Democratic town hall, Bernie Sanders said a psychoanalyst would “have a field day” with Donald Trump. Begging the question, is there anything above the superego?

10. During his victory speech in South Carolina, Republican front-runner Donald Trump asked his wife Melania to say a few words. Which was good, because she only knows a few.

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