February 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he’s not sure whether Marco Rubio is eligible for the presidency, the same claim he’s lobbied against Ted Cruz. No wonder Trump wants to build a wall, in his eyes, everyone’s an illegal immigrant.

2. According to a new survey, 53% of college students say they’re using Tinder to find friends, 27% said they’re looking for a significant other and 20% said they were looking for a hookup. That story again, 80% of people on Tinder are women.

3. Fewer babies were born in Italy in 2015 than in any year since the modern state was founded 154 years ago. Although, if I know anything about Italian men, it’s not from a lack of trying.

4. Ohio Governor John Kasich apologized Monday for telling a Virginia crowd that women “left their kitchens” to vote for him in an election earlier in his career. Kasich said he didn’t “mean to imply that all women live in the kitchen because sometimes the bathroom needs to be cleaned too.”

5. Ohio Governor John Kasich apologized Monday for telling a Virginia crowd that women “left their kitchens” to vote for him in an election earlier in his career. No wonder Kasich is against a woman’s right to choose, since, based on comments like that, they’re not gonna choose him.

6. After finishing fourth in South Carolina’s Republican primary, presidential candidate Jeb Bush suspended his campaign saying “the people of Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina have spoken.” And, much like when you ask George H.W. Bush who is favorite child is, they didn’t say Jeb’s name.

7. Yesterday, the “Daily Star” reported that former Nazi leader Adolf Hitler suffered from a condition known as hypospadias, also known as micro-penis. So there’s a chance that the cause of World War II can be traced all the way back to a shaky-handed mohel.

8. Yesterday, the “Daily Star” reported that former Nazi leader Adolf Hitler suffered from a condition known as hypospadias, also known as micro-penis. “Maybe Ted Cruz is the next Hitler,” said Cruz’s wife.

9. Under a proposed law, fashion models who want to work in California would need a doctor to attest that they are of healthy weight and not suffering from an eating disorder. Said doctors, “The best way for me judge whether you have an eating disorder is over a candle-lit dinner, let’s say my place, around 8:00.”

10. On Monday, four men attacked an Uber car and set it on fire in the Kenyan capital of Nairobi. Luckily the cow pulling the car was unharmed.

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