10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. On Tuesday, the University of Miami football program offered a scholarship to a thirteen year-old quarterback. But, for those worried that the eighth grader isn’t qualified to attend Miami, don’t worry, he reads at a 4th grade level.

2. The townhouse next to famous director Woody Allen is up for sale for $27 million dollars. And, if you buy it, you’ll definitely get to meet Mr. Allen because he’s legal required to introduce himself to his neighbors.

3. This week, Republican presidential candidate Jeb ditched his eye-glasses in favor of contacts. Unfortunately, voters still recognized him.

4. According to a new study, more than one out of three American adults do not get enough sleep. The study was conducted somewhere other than a Ben Carson rally.

5. On Saturday, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, the court’ most outspoken conservative judge, died in his sleep. And I think it’s only fair that all the women in the U.S. get to decide now what to do with Scalia’s body.

6. During Saturday night’s Republican presidential debate, Donald Trump called Ted Cruz “the single biggest liar.” And Trump may have a point, because then Cruz called Trump “a nice guy who is qualified to be president.”

7. According to reports, Americans spent approximately $681 million on Valentine’s Day gifts for their pets. Although, if you want your dog to be your valentine, all you really need is a $3 jar of peanut butter.

8. Over the weekend, rapper Kanye West tweeted that he is $53 million in debt. It’s so bad that MC Hammer is loaning him money.

9. During Thursday night’s Democratic debate, Bernie Sanders accused Hillary Clinton of “a low blow” after she compared him to Republicans. Although it seemed even more vindictive by Sanders when he referred to the low blow as “a Monica.”

10. On Sunday, a Disney cruise ship stopped in the middle of the ocean to pick up 12 suspected migrants. That story again, a Disney cruise ship now has 12 new, very convincing, Aladdins.

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