February 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, the University of Miami football program offered a scholarship to a thirteen year-old quarterback. But, for those worried that the eighth grader isn’t qualified to attend Miami, don’t worry, he reads at a 4th grade level.

2. The townhouse next to famous director Woody Allen is up for sale for $27 million dollars. And, if you buy it, you’ll definitely get to meet Mr. Allen because he’s legal required to introduce himself to his neighbors.

3. On Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush tweeted a picture of a handgun with his name engraved on it. Not to be outdone, rival candidate Donald Trump tweeted a picture of a bullet with Jeb’s name on it.

4. This week, Republican presidential candidate Jeb ditched his eye-glasses in favor of contacts. Unfortunately, voters still recognized him.

5. During a town hall in South Carolina on Wednesday night, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson was asked, if elected, how he would make a positive impact on criminal justice reform. Carson answered by saying he would make everyone in the country wear a belt with a big buckle.

6. During Wednesday night’s town hall in South Carolina, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson said it doesn’t make sense to house mentally ill people in prison. Adding, “When they obviously should be running for the Republican presidential nomination.”

7. On Wednesday, Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump stepped up his defense of enhanced interrogation techniques by saying “torture works.” “Agreed, there’s only so much a person can take before they break,” Said Ivana Trump and Marla Maples.

8. A German shorthaired pointer named C.J. won “Best in Show” at the 140th Westminster Kennel Club dog show in New York on Tuesday. Although, in my book, C.J. always be the second best-looking shorthaired German:

9. On Wednesday during a campaign event in South Carolina, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush said he would like to punch Donald Trump “in the nose.” Which is ridiculous because Ted Cruz has a much more punchable face.

10. Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio recently revealed that he has trouble distinguishing between the colors blue, black and green. Said a very unsatisfied Mrs. Rubio, “Yeah, there’s only one shade of grey in our bedroom.”

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