February 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, the court’ most outspoken conservative judge, died in his sleep. And I think it’s only fair that all the women in the U.S. get to decide now what to do with Scalia’s body.

2. During Saturday night’s Republican presidential debate, Donald Trump called Ted Cruz “the single biggest liar.” And Trump may have a point, because then Cruz called Trump “a nice guy who is qualified to be president.”

3. According to reports, Americans spent approximately $681 million on Valentine’s Day gifts for their pets. Although, if you want your dog to be your valentine, all you really need is a $3 jar of peanut butter.

4. Last week, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush said he was the only candidate with “the you know what” to go up against Donald Trump. Sadly, Jeb was saying it to himself in a mirror.

5. Last Thursday, during a campaign stop in Louisiana, presidential candidate Donald Trump autographed a baby. Then, afterwards, they both went back to whining.

6. Over the weekend, rapper Kanye West tweeted that he is $53 million in debt. It’s so bad that MC Hammer is loaning him money.

7. Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore ended his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination on Friday after dismal showings in the first two primaries. Also dismal for the Gilmore campaign, he dropped out of the race four days ago and this is the first you’re hearing about it.

8. During Thursday night’s Democratic debate, Bernie Sanders accused Hillary Clinton of “a low blow” after she compared him to Republicans. Although it seemed even more vindictive by Sanders when he referred to the low blow as “a Monica.”

9. According to a new study, most U.S. medical schools fail to accommodate students with disabilities. Or, maybe, they’re just really good at curing shit.

10. On Sunday, a Disney cruise ship stopped in the middle of the ocean to pick up 12 suspected migrants. That story again, a Disney cruise ship now has 12 new, very convincing, Aladdins.

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