February 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, the Congressional Black Caucus endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. An endorsement that would have helped out a lot more eight years ago.

2. According to a new study, toddlers who speak two languages are better than their peers at solving particular kinds of problems. Problems, like “What’s the cleaning the lady saying?”

3. Ted Cruz’s campaign has pulled its most recent ad after learning one of the actresses in the spot is also a softcore porn star. “You almost had my vote,” said Bill Clinton.

4. This week, the state of Delaware issued a formal apology for slavery to its African-American residents. The apology starts, “Dear Todd.”

5. The Art Institute of Chicago has commissioned a recreation of painter Vincent Van Gogh’s bedroom and is making it available to rent on Airbnb. And, despite popular belief, it won’t cost an arm and a leg, just an ear.

6. The Wall Street Journal reported that Google is developing a virtual reality headset that works without a smartphone or computer. The company is crafting a virtual reality where Google Glass never existed.

7. Kathleen Willey, one of the women who previously accused former President Bill Clinton of sexual assault has agreed to work for an anti-Clinton political group. “You would get a lot more volunteers if you made it an anti-Bill group,” said the fifty-four Cosby accusers.

8. Qatar may create special courts during the 2022 soccer World Cup to deal quickly with alcohol-consuming fans who break the law in the conservative Muslim state. The courts will have the authority to sentence offenders or, even worse, make them watch more soccer.

9. It has been reported, that one item in the swag bag given to the Academy Award nominees this year will be a fully-paid trip to Israel. Which explains why Mel Gibson didn’t make any movies this year.

10. According to a new study, anal sex may be linked to an increased risk of incontinence. So don’t ask grandma why she eats so many prunes unless you’re ready for the answer.

11. On Friday, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said, despite various concerns about concussions, that if he had a son, he would “love to have him play the game of football.” And, I like to think, his imaginary son would want to play football too, if only to increase the risk of getting memory loss to forget that his father is that asshole Roger Goodell.

12. A new study has found that there are certain factors that increase the likelihood of teens becoming involved in weapons. Those factors include emotional distress, substance abuse and living next to George Zimmerman.

13. Ted Cruz’s wife revealed that when he needs to relieve stress Ted calls her and sings Broadway show tunes. “My husband too!” said Kelly Preston and whoever Tom Cruise is married to now.

14. A new article has found that a fifty-five gallon barrel of sex lube is now over thirty-six times more expansive than a barrel of crude oil. You can read all about it in this month’s edition of “Don’t Ask Us How We Figured This Out” magazine…and also “Vogue.”

15. Last week, a Tennessee man with the word ‘psycho’ tattooed on his forehead was arrested for stabbing man in the stomach. “That guy is giving men with tattoos on their faces a bad name,” said Mike Tyson.

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