February 10, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night, Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump won the New Hampshire Democratic and Republican primaries, respectively. Meaning the night was a big win for non-establishment candidates and a big loss for hair-dressers.

2. While waiting for the results of the New Hampshire primary last night, Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders killed time by playing basketball. Sanders said he liked shooting hoops but wanted to know when they switched from using a peach basket.

3. This week, Republican presidential hopeful Jeb Bush said fellow-candidate Marco Rubio has never been challenged in his entire life. And Jeb knows what challenged looks like because he’s related to George W. Bush.

4. This week in New Hampshire, Bill Clinton told a crowd of supporters that sometimes he wishes he wasn’t married to Hillary. Times like when he’s throwing change into a fountain or breaking a wishbone.

5. A man in Florida was arrested for allegedly throwing an alligator through a drive-thru window. Before that, if you wanted to see a gator in a fast-food restaurant, you had to go all the way to the McDonald’s that Tim Tebow works at.

6. Prominent sports owner and billionaire Stan Kroenke, who just moved the the NFL’s St. Louis Rams to Los Angeles, will purchase the W.T. Waggoner Estate Ranch in Texas for a whopping $725 million. Kroenke said the most attractive feature of the ranch is that it’s not located in St. Louis.

7. According to a new NFL memo, college players who have been convicted of domestic violence, sexual assault or weapons charges will no longer be allowed to attend to the league’s scouting combine. That story again, the NFL Combine has been cancelled.

8. Design students from London’s Royal College of Art have created a coat that transforms into a tent or sleeping bag. Or, in Chris Christie’s case, just a coat.

9. On Monday, actress Gwyneth Paltrow appeared in a Los Angeles court to testify against a man who has allegedly stalked her for the past 17 years. Or, as her alleged stalker undoubtedly viewed her courtroom presence, a meet-cute.

10. Today Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders will appear on ABC’s “the View.” Not to be outdone, Bill Clinton will appear on one of “Maury’s” paternity-testing shows.

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