February 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In response to a college student telling Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush that the 2016 election would be his first time voting, the former Florida governor said, “I want to be your first.” And there are a lot of similarities between voting for Jeb and having sex, for instance, both involve a walk of shame afterwards.

2. Today is the beginning of Mardi Gras in New Orleans, which is the Christian celebration before Lent, and the Republican presidential primary in New Hampshire, which many consider a do-or-die state for Chris Christie. Or, as it’s known in both places, Fat Tuesday.

3. Many London residents were scared on Sunday because they didn’t know the double-decker bus that was blown up on a bridge was really a stunt being filmed for an upcoming Jackie Chan action movie. Residents became even more scared when they learned that Jackie Chan was still making movies.

4. A Wisconsin couple pleaded not guilty on Friday to charges of recklessly endangering safety and neglecting a child after allegedly allowing their 9-year-old daughter to drive them and their 11-month-old baby home because they were too drunk to do so themselves. Said the couple, “It was really our only option because the 11-month-old was also pretty drunk too.”

5. Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign has started selling shirts referring to the candidate as “bae.” In response, fellow Republican candidate Donald Trump said, “I don’t speak Spanish.”

6. The debut solo of former One Direction singer Zayn Malik shot straight to the top of the British charts on Friday as the fastest-selling single of 2016 so far. That story again, 2016 is gonna suck.

7. A new article has found that a fifty-five gallon barrel of sex lube is now over thirty-six times more expensive than a barrel of crude oil. “Really? I’m the crude one in this scenario?” said the oil.

8. In a recent interview, President Obama revealed that there are a lot of Wi-Fi dead spots in the White House. Which is where they send Joe Biden when he’s in time-out.

9. During Sunday night’s Superbowl, CBS used a commercial to announce that it’s hit series “The Good Wife” is coming to an end. “Oh no!” said your buddy who was pretending to know stuff about football.

10. An FBI agent accused lawyers for a convicted murderer Adnan Syed of manipulating cell phone records in their bid to win a retrial for the slaying made famous by the podcast “Serial.” That’s ridiculous, don’t those lawyers know we’ve moved on to ‘Making a Murderer.”

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