10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Portland International Airport announced plans to add a movie theater to its terminals. And, when that theater shows movies like “Pixels” and “Mordecai” the ushers will be sure to point out all the nearest exits beforehand.

2. On Monday, Jeb Bush came in sixth place in Iowa, getting only 3% of the vote, which, when taking into account how much he spent in Iowa on campaigning, equaled $2,800 per vote. And, to put that in perspective, if you took all that money in singles and laid it, in a line, end-to-end, that still would have been a better use of that money.

3. During Monday night’s Democratic caucus in Iowa, seven districts were so close that the winner was determined by a coin flip, with Hillary Clinton winning six of the seven times the quarter was tossed. Said Bernie Sanders, “Not since he borrowed my wig powder and never gave it back have I been so screwed over by George Washington.”

4. According to scientists, the phenomenon known as ‘resting bitch face’ is real. They made this discovery while watching Hillary’s real-time reactions to the returns in Iowa.

5. According to a new study, a healthy sex life in old age may help keep the brain healthy as well. So now you know why Grandma is still so lucid and also so popular at her old-age home.

6. It was announced on Tuesday, that James Corden, host of CBS’s “Late Late Show”, will emcee this year’s Tony Awards. Or, as people who tune into the awards will think of it, “Man, Neil Patrick Harris has really let himself go.”

7. According to his doctor, the world’s fattest man, weighing in at over 980 pounds, may have died due to his six-a-day energy drink habit. So I guess it’s true, Redbull really does give you wings…and also a halo and a harp.

8. Today is Groundhog Day, a day in popular culture, where one is forced to repeat the same day, every day, over and over again. Or, for Hillary Clinton, after being challenged last night in Iowa by an upstart senator, every eight years.

9. Last week, the tiny Italian town of Ostana welcomed its first baby in almost 30 years. “Well,there goes the neighborhood,” said Casey Anthony.

10. The White House said that President Obama will make his first visit as president to a U.S. mosque next week in a defense of religious freedom. “Oh good, we won’t have to photoshop that picture any more,” said Fox News.

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