February 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Portland International Airport announced plans to add a movie theater to its terminals. And, when that theater shows movies like “Pixels” and “Mordecai” the ushers will be sure to point out all the nearest exits beforehand.

2. During Monday night’s caucus in Iowa, Marco Rubio finished in a strong third place just 1% behind Donald Trump. Alas, Trump, much like a poorly placed bottle of water, was just out of Rubio’s reach.

3. This week divisive Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Which makes sense if you think about it, because Trump has united many people of different backgrounds and viewpoints who all share one common thing, their hatred of Donald Trump.

4. On Wednesday, Universal Pictures announced the release dates for the 9th and 10th installments of their “Fast and Furious” movie franchise, with the last one coming out in 2021. Which is convenient, because, by then, Vin Diesel will most likely be living in his car.

5. Yesterday, NFL officials announced that a year-long operation targeting counterfeit sporting goods resulted in the seizure of $39 million worth of fake merchandise. Officials became suspicious of the legitimacy of one seller’s goods after he tried to sell a 2015 “game-worn” Tim Tebow jersey.

6. Israel’s Tax Authority says it wants a cut off gratuities traditionally offered to moils who conduct circumcisions. Said authorities, “They’re taking a little too much off the top.”

7. Recently released documents show that former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer donated $50,000 to Martin O’Malley’s presidential campaign. What’s worse, he donated it by making it rain.

8. Recently released documents show that former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer donated $50,000 to Martin O’Malley’s presidential campaign. Which I think automatically becomes the most embarrassing thing Spitzer has ever been publicly outed having spent money on.

9. According to a new poll, 5% of Americans who plan to watch this weekend’s Superbowl will do so over the internet. Which means, due to buffering, Peyton Manning will somehow run even slower than normal.

10. Rick Santorum withdrew from the race for the Republican presidential nomination on Wednesday and said he would endorse Senator Marco Rubio and asked all his supporters to do so as well. So congratulations on your new vote, Marco.

11. A black Fiat that carried Pope Francis through Philadelphia during his visit to the United States last year was sold for $82,000 at an auction. The new owner said the first thing he’ll do is take off the “Honk If You’re Holy” bumpersticker.

12. According to a new poll, 64% of American respondents said they would cancel their travel to countries affected by the Zika virus. While the remaining 36%, I guess, live in Detroit.

13. Basketball player Kenny Sailors, who has been credited with inventing the modern-day jump shot, died at the age of 95 on Saturday. Sailors reportedly watched the Philadelphia 76ers attempt to replicate his invention and died of embarrassment.

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