February 3, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. It was announced on Tuesday, that James Corden, host of CBS’s “Late Late Show”, will emcee this year’s Tony Awards. Or, as people who tune into the awards will think of it, “Man, Neil Patrick Harris has really let himself go.”

2. A five-year-old in Louisiana held a wedding ceremony for his shetland pony. “That brings back memories of my wedding day,” said Matthew Broderick.

3. Yesterday, Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his home, saw his shadow and predicted an early spring. The groundhog is naturally hairy, works one day a year and is fond of names with alliteration, begging the question, is Punxsutawney Phil a Kardashian?

4. According to his doctor, the world’s fattest man, weighing in at over 980 pounds, may have died due to his six-a-day energy drink habit. So I guess it’s true, Redbull really does give you wings…and also a halo and a harp.

5. Indian carmaker Tata Motors said on Tuesday it had decided to rename its soon-to-be-launched electric hatchback Zica because it sounds too much like Zika, the mosquito-borne virus which has been declared an international health emergency. They have decided to go with their back-up name, the electric Bola, or, E-Bola for short.

6. Workers at Japan’s Ueno zoo held a drill simulating a zebra escaping on Tuesday, featuring a staff member dressed as the animal running around the compound during the exercise. Workers were able to subdue the fake zebra by releasing a real lion.

7. In a speech after losing Monday night’s Iowa caucus, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he might “buy a farm in Iowa.” And, if he continues to lose primaries, that farm will come in handy as Trump will be able to take his campaign out behind the barn and shoot it.

8. Hundreds of adoptions are on hold in Canada as Ontario reviews custody cases that used evidence from a faulty drug-testing program which may have wrongly removed children from mothers thought to be abusing drugs. Even worse, those kids were then placed in Rob Ford’s home.

9. During Ted Cruz’s victory speech in Iowa on Monday night, the Republican candidate repeated the phrase, “morning is coming.” No word on whether it was spelt ‘morning’ or ‘mourning.’

10. On Tuesday, Donald Trump said he felt “a tinge” of disappointment after losing to Ted Cruz in the Iowa caucuses. And, I’m just guessing, that tinge was orange.

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