February 2, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is Groundhog Day, a day in popular culture, where one is forced to repeat the same day, every day, over and over again. Or, for Hillary Clinton, after being challenged last night in Iowa by an upstart senator, every eight years.

2. Last night, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump came in a disappointing second place in his party’s caucus in Iowa. Which explains Trump’s new slogan, “Make America Great Again, Except for that Shithole Iowa.”

3. Last night, after a poor showing in Iowa, Martin O’Malley suspended his campaign for the Democratic nomination for president. That story again, Martin O’Malley finally figured out what everyone else knew five months ago.

4. Three California jail escapees, all with violent criminal histories, shopped at a Target, took a taxi driver hostage, argued over whether to kill the driver and went to a hair salon to change their look all in the week they were on the lam. The workers at the hair salon knew the men hadn’t been out in public in a long time when they all asked for the Rachel.

5. In what amounted to a concession speech on Monday night, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he loved Iowa so much he might “come back and buy a farm.” And I can’t think of a better punishment for not winning the Iowa caucus than having to stay in Iowa.

6. New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo said on Monday that the state’s health department would offer free tests for individuals with symptoms of Zika. So it will be comforting to know that crazy guy yelling about the government planting bugs in his brain on the G train doesn’t have the Zika virus.

7. On Monday, the Vatican announced that Pope Francis will appear in a spiritual film aimed at children. Although, I don’t think it will be great publicity for the Church since the title of the film is “Spotlight 2.”

8. Despite concerns that staring at devices putting out high amounts of the blue light wavelength could damage human retinas, a recent study finds that most devices put out less than a blue sky on a clear day. Said those individuals who stare at computer screens all day, “What’s the sky?”

9. On Sunday, just hours before she planned to take to the stage for Fox’s production of “Grease: Live,” actress Vanessa Hudgens announced the death of her father. Unfortunately, Vin Diesel’s father has been alive for everyone of his son’s movies.

10. An Associated Press survey of 100 NFL athletes found that over 40% had serious questions about the effects of suffering head injuries. While a whopping 92% had questions like “Where am I?” and “Who are you?”

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