February 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, the tiny Italian town of Ostana welcomed its first baby in almost 30 years. “Well,there goes the neighborhood,” said Casey Anthony.

2. According to a new poll, 57% of Americans are pessimistic about their country’s future. While the remaining 43% apparently haven’t heard that Donald Trump is leading in the polls.

3. The White House said that President Obama will make his first visit as president to a U.S. mosque next week in a defense of religious freedom. “Oh good, we won’t have to photoshop that picture any more,” said Fox News.

4. The sheriff of the California county that operates the jail from which three prisoners escaped earlier this month said she was “deeply concerned” about how long it took to discover the men were missing. Adding, “Even more troubling, no one even noticed my new hairdo.”

5. Last week, a man who looked strikingly similar to Bradley Cooper made the rounds at the Sundance Film Festival getting into parties by impersonating the Academy Award-nominated actor. The real Cooper is claiming that the same man also impersonated him in “Aloha” and the Hangovers 2 & 3.

6. According to an investigation, baseball players at a Dallas-area high school had a “fight club” in the batting cages. Which explains why the first rule of fight club was remember to turn off the pitching machines.

7. On Saturday, the New York Times endorsed Joh Kasich for president. A nice reminder that both the dying medium that is newspapers and Jon Kasich still exist.

8. Dr. Bennet Omalu, the doctor whose discovery of CTE in football players inspired the movie “Concussion,” believes that O.J. Simpson is suffering from the disease. That means, a man who murdered his wife and a waiter twenty years ago is now somehow going to become even more unhinged.

9. On Saturday, swimming’s world governing body FINA announced it had temporarily suspended the Mexican federation. Said Donald Trump, who is a big proponent of building a wall along the Mexican border “Wait! They can swim!?!”

10. According to a new report, Billionaires Charles and David Koch, the Republican brothers who are a driving force behind conservative politics and election financing, are launching a new group to target social issues such as poverty and education. No word on whether they are pro- or anti- education and poverty.

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