1. On Thursday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Leo asked the Pope for salvation while the Pope asked Leo for his “Wolf of Wall Street” co-star Margot Robbie’s home phone number.
2. Singer Jennifer Lopez accidentally split her pants during a performance in Las Vegas this week. Which explains why more people than normal were yelling “Jackpot!”
3. On Monday, Ben Cohen, one half of Ben & Jerry’s, endorsed Bernie Sanders for president by unveiling a new ice cream flavor called “Bernie’s Yearning.” The new flavor will be made with whole milk because Bernie doesn’t like the 1%.
4. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld announced that he will be selling ten percent of his car collection at an upcoming auction. Michael Richards vowed to do the same until he was informed that it’s impossible to sell 1/10th of a 1997 Chevy Malibu.
5. According to a new study, zebras stripes are not used for camouflage. “Shhh, don’t tell them,” said lions.
6. Eight museum employees will be charged with negligence after a botched reattachment of the beard on King Tutankhamun’s mask. King Tut’s beard is very identifiable and known all around the world, much like Abraham Lincoln’s infamous chin-strap and Kelly Preston.
7. A 92-year-old World War II vet plans on traveling to Australia to reunite with his war-time girlfriend. Said the man’s angry wife, “Is that what you meant by ‘spending a lot of time in the fox hole’?”
8. On Friday, Donald Trump retweeted a neo-Nazi Twitter account. “My mistake, I don’t want to be associated with that kind of hatred,” said the neo-Nazi Twitter account.
9. ISIS is reportedly going through some financial troubles and, as a result, are cutting salaries of its members by 50%. So now it’s only 36 virgins.
10. Saudi’s grand mufti, the kingdom’s top cleric, said chess and similar games are “forbidden” in Islam because they’re a form of gambling. Which means Saudi Arabia is the only place in the world where the chess team is comprised solely of bad-boys and outlaws.