January 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, a doctor released a letter stating that Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is in “overall very good health.” Asked about his political views, the doctor said he felt the Bern and then made the Bern cough.

2. Chipotle is being accused of gender discrimination. Said a spokesperson for Chipotle, “Hey, at least we’re getting better press.”

3. On Thursday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Leo asked the Pope for salvation while the Pope asked Leo for his “Wolf of Wall Street” co-star Margot Robbie’s home phone number.

4. A Brooklyn artist is planning an exhibition this weekend where she will sit naked on a toilet for ten hours in the middle of a gallery. So, turns out, the only difference between your dad and an artist is toilet placement.

5. The Bernie Sanders campaign is building its own independent system to report the Iowa caucus results because of concerns over how Microsoft’s technology will work. Sanders will go with a technology he is much more familiar with, an abacus.

6. On Thursday, Mattel announced three variations to their classic Barbie doll, introducing new tall, petite and curvy models. “Yeah, that still doesn’t solve my problem,” said a very flamboyant Ken.

7. Following Donald Trump’s decision to boycott the last Republican presidential debate, Ted Cruz said Trump is afraid of moderator Megyn Kelly because if she asks him tough questions his hair might stand on end. Begging the question, who keeps asking Bernie Sanders tough questions?

8. During Thursday’s Republican presidential debate, Marco Rubio called Donald Trump “the greatest show on earth.” Which is an apt comparison since, just like Barnum & Bailey, both are up to three rings.

9. On Wednesday, the Los Angeles Lakers unveiled plans to build a statue of Shaquille O’Neal outside of is arena. The statue will be so lifelike that it will even have the exact same free-throw shooting percentage as the real Shaq.

10. Washington Capitals hockey player Alex Ovechkin said he will skip this weekend’s NHL All Star Game due to a nagging lower-body injury. While most sports fans will skip the game due to a lack of interest.

11. On Tuesday, controversial retired baseball player John Rocker endorsed Donald Trump for president. Begging the question, who is that a bigger wake-up call for?

12. A Texas grand jury has indicted two anti-abortion activists in a case where they shot undercover videos at a Planned Parenthood. Said those activists, “it’s days like this, I wish I were never born.”

13. Saudi’s grand mufti, the kingdom’s top cleric, said chess and similar games are “forbidden” in Islam because they’re a form of gambling. Which is bad news for the new daily fantasy sports website, “Draft Ayatollahs.”

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