January 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a new interview, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders said he generally believes in God. “I used to” said no-longer-front-runner Hillary Clinton.

2. Singer Jennifer Lopez accidentally split her pants during a performance in Las Vegas this week. Which explains why more people than normal were yelling “Jackpot!”

3. The Denver Broncos have decided to wear their white road uniforms for the Super Bowl. Which is pretty sound logic, because even if they don’t win the Lombardi Trophy, with all-white uniforms, they still have a good chance of taking home an Oscar.

4. Glenn Beck condemned Donald Trump on Monday, calling him “a very dangerous man.” Yet another reason to hate Donald Trump, he made me agree with Glenn Beck.

5. In New Hampshire, someone broke into Rand Paul’s campaign headquarters. That story again, someone broke into a New Hampshire Kinko’s.

6. Yesterday, Republican Ben Carson said the biggest threat to his presidential campaign is uneducated voters. Begging the question, who does he think is voting for him?

7. According to a new report, North Korea may be preparing to launch a long-range missile as soon as next week. “You said ‘long-range’ right?” said South Korea.

8. In a new interview, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders said he believes generally in God, but not necessarily organized religion. Or, for that matter, organized hairdos.

9. Presidential hopeful Donald Trump withdrew on Tuesday from this week’s Republican debate out of anger at host Fox News. Fox News plans to replace Trump with a pumpkin in a suit holding a tape recorder full of Jeb Bush insults, you won’t even notice a difference.

10. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie on Tuesday called for a revised plan to rescue Atlantic City from bankruptcy. The new plan, bet it all on black, baby.

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