January 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Ben Cohen, one half of Ben & Jerry’s, endorsed Bernie Sanders for president by unveiling a new ice cream flavor called “Bernie’s Yearning.” It is expected to sell better than “Trumps Clumps.”

2. Prices at 137 Walmart stores set to close on January 28 have been slashed by 50%. Which means, at this point, Walmart will pay you to take Nickelback’s latest album off their hands.

3. Eight museum employees will be charged with negligence after a botched reattachment of the beard on King Tutankhamun’s mask. King Tut’s beard is very identifiable and known all around the world, much like Abraham Lincoln’s infamous chin-strap and Kelly Preston.

4. According to a new study, infants and preschoolers who gain weight rapidly may have higher-than-average high blood pressure later in childhood. Although, if their blood pressure is really high, there’s not gonna be a “later in childhood.”

5. An exhibit highlighting the fashion of Minnie Mouse has opened up in downtown Los Angeles. Of course, you’d have a lot more closet space, and thus options, if your husband didn’t own any pants too.

6. A 92-year-old World War II vet plans on traveling to Australia to reunite with his war-time girlfriend. Said the man’s angry wife, “Is that what you meant by ‘spending a lot of time in the fox hole’?”

7. According to experts, the mosquito-borne Zika virus, linked to brain damage in thousands of babies in Brazil, is likely to spread to the U.S. Although, by the looks of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” it may already be here.

8. In an interview published on Monday, President Obama said Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders has had the “luxury of being a complete long shot” so far in the race to be the Democratic presidential candidate. Which, I guess, means Martin O’Malley is a shoe-in.

9. Despite breaking his arm in Sunday’s NFC Championship game, Carolina Panthers All-Pro linebacker Thomas Davis said he will play in the SuperBowl. Meanwhile, I stubbed my toe yesterday and called in sick to work for the entire week.

10. To mark the Year of the Monkey, a Monkey School in South Korea put on performances by several of the trained animals. Finally answering age-old question, is there a South Korean equivalent to Arizona State University?

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