10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. The number of tourists visiting New York City rose to a record high in 2015, with nearly 60 million people making the trip. To give you an idea of how many people that is, if those 60 million tourists got in a line and joined hands, you would definitely be caught walking behind them on the sidewalk.

2. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush misspoke this week at a campaign rally and called President Obama’s daughter Malala instead of Malia. But that wasn’t even the worst verbal flub, at the beginning of the rally he was introduced as “the next president of the United States, Jeb Bush.”

3. According to a new study, by 2050, the world’s oceans will contain more trash than fish. So, I guess, Long John Silvers was just ahead of its time.

4. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he has “a great relationship with God.” Which can only mean one thing, God’s got two to three years more until Trump finds a younger, hotter God to have a relationship with.

5. On Tuesday, France honored American actor Michael Keaton with a prestigious cultural award, giving him a medal for his contributions to the arts. Which can only mean on thing, “Herbie: Fully Loaded” hasn’t gotten to France yet.

6. A new study found that the most common name of geniuses are John and Mary. While the least common is whatever Snooki named her kid.

7. According to a new poll, a majority of Americans said Bill Clinton does not factor into their opinion of Hillary Clinton’s campaign for president, saying they don’t even the associate the two together. Which is terrible news for Hillary’s campaign chances, but great news for Bill’s chances on Spring Break.

8. The first question in Sunday night’s Democratic presidential debate was, if elected, what issues would you tackle in your first 100 days in office. Bernie Sanders said he would tackle income inequality, Hillary Clinton said she would focus on creating new jobs, while Martin O’Malley said he would try to get to the bottom of why pigs are now flying.

9. According to a new study, plant-based beverages like almond milk can’t be used to replace breast milk or baby formula and lead to an increase risk of scurvy in infants. But, on the plus-side, baby pirates.

10. Hall of Fame basketball player Magic Johnson was the first in line to buy season tickets for the newly moved Los Angeles Rams when season tickets went on sale yesterday. Well, actually, there were a few people in front of him, but he just coughed on them and they got out of the way.

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