January 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. The number of tourists visiting New York City rose to a record high in 2015, with nearly 60 million people making the trip. To give you an idea of how many people that is, if those 60 million tourists got in a line and joined hands, you would definitely be caught walking behind them on the sidewalk.

2. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush misspoke this week at a campaign rally and called President Obama’s daughter Malala instead of Malia. But that wasn’t even the worst verbal flub, at the beginning of the rally he was introduced as “the next president of the United States, Jeb Bush.”

3. According to a new study, by 2050, the world’s oceans will contain more trash than fish. So, I guess, Long John Silvers was just ahead of its time.

4. Fast-food chain White Castle announced that they will be accepting dinner reservations for Valentine’s Day this year. Unsurprisingly, they are only accepting reservations for one.

5. Yesterday, the Miami Marlins announced that they will be moving the centerfield wall in their ballpark in by 11 feet. The move will allow for more empty seats.

6. This week, Senator Lindsey graham called Donald Trump the most unelectable Republican candidate he’s seen in his lifetime. “Oh, how soon we forget,” said Herman Cain.

7. Elena Pavel, a Romanian female professional soccer player claims that at referee asked her out on a date in the middle of a match. In response, Pavel said, just like in soccer, “I will never use my hands be on those balls.”

8. Forced to choose, Rand Paul said Donald Trump potentially becoming the Republican presidential nominee is more worrisome than Ted Cruz. Or, according to Ted Cruz, “Rand Paul endorsed me.”

9. “American Pie” singer Don McLean was arrested on domestic violence charges on Monday. So now McLean finally has a second hit.

10. An inquiry led by senior British judge Robert Owen found that President Vladimir Putin approved a 2006 operation to murder an ex-KGB agent with radioactive polonium. And, in future news, an inquiry found that President Vladimir Putin approved a plan to murder senior British judge Robert Owen.

11. Will Smith on Thursday joined director Spike Lee and his wife Jada Pinkett-Smith in not attending the 2016 Oscar ceremony in protest over the absence of nominated actors of color. And, as an extra fuck you to the movie industry, Smith also announced that he is making a “Wild Wild West 2.”

12. On Friday, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina said that Hillary Clinton has avoided prosecution so many times that she’s “more qualified for the Big House” than the White House. In response, Hillary turned her toothbrush into a shive and stabbed Fiorina.

13. A British sex toy company has constructed a private booth in New York’s Times Square for men to masturbate in. Which explains why there was no phone in that phone booth and the floor was so sticky.

14. Former Maryland governor and current Democratic presidential candidate Martin O’Malley is under investigation for buying furniture from the state executive mansion at sharply discounted prices when he left office. Talking about this potential scandal, political experts said, “Who is Martin O’Malley?”

15. In response to Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz usage of the phrase “New York values” as an insult, last Friday’s edition of the New York Daily News featured a picture of the Statue of Liberty giving Cruz the finger. Which, coincidentally is the same image Donald Trump wants all immigrants to see when they pull into New York harbor.

16. Donald Trump pitched himself Monday to Christian students at Liberty University as a politically incorrect protector of Christianity. Trump then stopped at Yeshiva University and labeled himself a mensch who is a little meshuggeneh.

17. According to a new study, when mothers eat three sizeable servings of fish each week during pregnancy it can benefit children’s brains for years to come. “Goldfish crackers count, right?” said Snooki’s mom.

18. Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, who helped Hollywood star Sean Penn conduct an interview with drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, has been called to give testimony about the kingpin. When asked for comment, del Castillo could not be found and neither could any of her friends or family.

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