January 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to the Gaming Control Board, Nevada’s casino industry lost $662 million last year. As a result, Caesar’s Palace will no longer accept parlay bets, won’t comp hotel rooms for high rollers and have banned Chris Christie from all buffets.

2. Italy’s is pitching its bid to host the 2024 Olympic Games as a chance for the country to clean up its scandal-plagued capital city of Rome. Which falls in line with it’s potential slogan, “Rome 2024: Maybe we’ll have our shit together by then.”

3. The iconic Playboy Mansion is being put up for sale for $200 million. Man, if those walls could talk, they’d probably be subpoenaed to testify in the Cosby trial.

4. A Belgium architect has revealed ambitious plans for a series of underwater eco-villages that could house up to 20,000 people each in the future. “If you’re looking for a interior decorator…” said BP.

5. On Monday, a man was thrown out of a Donald Trump rally after he interrupted the presidential candidate while he was giving a speech by shouting “This is boring.” “You just had one guy screaming that at your rally?” said Ben Carson.

6. A white supremacist group said it has placed thousands of automated phone calls in Iowa urging voters to back billionaire Donald Trump’s bid for the Republican presidential nomination. In response, Donald Trump said he was appalled, he told those guys to go door-to-door.

7. Online dating site OkCupid has introduced a new feature called “Couples Linking,” which allows people who are already a couple to search for a third person to take part in their open relationship. “What if my partner doesn’t know we’re in an open relationship,” said Ben Affleck.

8. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has proposed removing the manatee from the endangered species list and reclassifying it as “threatened” after “significant improvements” in its population. Begging the question, what does a manatee taste like?

9. On Sunday, electric car maker Tesla said its new Autopark feature is ready for drivers to install, which allows drivers to step outside their cars and park them remotely. Said Ford Fiesta owners, “I wish my car had that because I don’t want to be seen driving it.”

10. Maine Governor Paul LePage on Friday responded to criticism that his comments about drug dealers flooding the state and impregnating “white girls” had a racist tone, blaming the media for taking his words out of context. Adding, “Maybe if the media wasn’t full of noisy, Jews, I wouldn’t be in this mess.”

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