January 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a video from an elementary school in Atlanta went viral featuring a teacher and his students dancing to popular songs. It reminds me of a similar video I once saw from China, oh, wait, I never saw a video like that from China and you know why, because they’re busy learning math.

2. The Mexican military successfully hunted down and captured drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman last week partly because he contacted filmmakers about making an El Chapo biopic. So, if we’re locking people up for making movies now, watch your back Adam Sandler.

3. A mountain lion killed in Idaho last week exhibited a strange deformity in which another set of fully-formed teeth and whiskers had grow out of the top of its head. Two sets of fully formed teeth or, as it is known in Alabama, two sets too many.

4. Addressing concerns about his own American citizenship, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz said that his mother was born in Wilmington, Delaware, is an American citizen and always has been an American citizen. Marking the first time that anyone has ever bragged about being born in Wilmington, Delaware.

5. In a recent interview, Vice President Joe Biden said he wakes up every day and regrets not entering the presidential race. Well, every day but Saturday, because that’s when cartoons are on.

6. Last week, a Texas woman gave birth to her own grandchild after serving as a surrogate for her daughter. The family is calling it a miracle while psychiatrists are calling it a goldmine.

7. On Sunday, White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough said that President Obama will not publicly endorse a candidate before the 2016 Democratic primary election. “Good idea, wouldn’t want to make the other candidates jealous,” said Martin O’Malley.

8. Chinese drone-maker Ehang has developed the first autonomous drone that will fly humans in a helicopter-like flying machine that seats only one. Tech experts say it is the latest and most high-tech way to die in a fiery crash.

9. Former Dutch discus thrower Ria Stalman, who won Olympic gold 32 years ago, has admitted to doping in the latter stages of her career. Luckily for Stalman, no one gives a shit about discus.

10. Demand for the first edition of Hitler’s “Mein Kampf” to be printed in Germany since his death have surprised the publisher, with orders out-numbering books by 4 to 1. Those unable to get their hands on a copy of “Mein Kampf” will be forced to settle for a copy of Donald Trump’s “Crippled America: How to Make America Great Again.”

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