January 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, an increase in the frequency of viewing pornography leads to a decrease in motivation amongst men. Which explains, why, most days, Hugh Hefner doesn’t even get out of his pajamas.

2. According to reports, Planned Parenthood will endorse Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton for president on Sunday in New Hampshire. Although, I can’t think of a better endorsement for Planned Parenthood than the existence of Donald Trump.

3. On Wednesday, Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz told a young undocumented immigrant in Iowa that there are “consequences” for violating laws. Said the immigrant, “I live in Iowa now, isn’t that consequence enough?”

4. According to a new study, older obese people with mild cognitive impairment who lose a small amount of weight may see some improvement on exams testing their mental acumen. That story again, lose some weight, you fat idiot.

5. According to a new study, when everyone in a car buckles up, passengers in the front may be safer than riders in the back. Which explains how Billy Joel is still alive.

6. A U.S. congressman from Arizona said on Thursday he would introduce a bill to strip Bill Cosby of his Presidential Medal of Freedom. Said Cosby, “You had me at ‘strip’.”

7. A Spanish company has invented a speaker that is designed to be inserted into the vagina of a pregnant woman to stimulate her unborn baby. Although, it doesn’t work for everyone, for instance, in Octomom, there’s too much echoing.

8. This week, Malaysia Airlines passengers flying to Europe from Kuala Lumpur were told that a temporarily ban on checked luggage was in place due “unreasonably strong headwinds” limiting the airlines’ ability to safely carry baggage in cargo. That way, with your bags safe at the airport, your loved ones will have a few mementos to remember you by.

9. Yesterday, Iraq dispatched its foreign minister to Tehran with an offer to mediate in the escalating feud between Saudi Arabia and Iran. Iraq volunteered because, I assume, Dennis Rodman wasn’t available.

10. Video has surfaced of employees of a southern California Pizza Hut smoking marijuana while on the job during New Year’s Eve. But, in their defense, they were very easily able to forget old acquaintance.

11. Yahoo was ordered by a Chicago federal judge on Monday to face a class action lawsuit accusing the Internet company of sending unsolicited text messages to Sprint cellphone users. Hopefully this ruling also means that Google will stop sending me dick pics.

12. A fragance inspired by Russian President Vladimir Putin named “Leaders Number One” has gone on sale in Moscow for $95 a bottle. It is expected to sell better than German Prime Minister Angela Merkel’s perfume “Mein Waft.”

13. According to a police report, a Secret Service agent’s gun, badge, radio, handcuffs and flash drive were stolen in broad daylight near the agency’s headquarters in D.C. Which made the agent’s firing go very quickly since he didn’t have to turn over his badge and gun.

14. In a recent interview, Golden State Warrior Stephen Curry said he believes he is the best basketball player in the world. Curry said he realized he had a chance to be the best player in the world when he looked down and realized his jersey didn’t say “Sixers” on it.

15. In a new interview, Ivanka Trump says her father is a “great advocate for women … believes in equality of gender … [and has] confidence in women to do any job that a man can do.” That story again, Ivanka Trump is adopted.

16. ESPN has invited the five candidates in FIFA’s presidential election to participate in a debate on the future of the crisis-hit governing body for world soccer. And, despite there only being five candidates, Rick Santorum is still somehow relegated to an earlier debate.

17. Actor Mark Salling, best known for his role in the television show “Glee,” was arrested last Tuesday on suspicion of possessing child pornography. “Glee” has already distanced itself from Salling, but, on the plus-side, Subway has reached out.

18. Last week, a Dutch court decided that a woman who won a $2.3 million lottery during a divorce has no obligation to share it with her ex-husband. A woman who gets a divorce and wins the lottery, or, as Tiger Woods’ ex-wife calls it, getting a divorce.

19. Last week, a video surfaced of former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson falling off a hoverboard. So congratulations Buster Douglas, your lifetime achievement was just equaled by a 30-pound, gizmo made by toddlers in China.

20. U.S. Internet connection speeds have tripled over the past 3-1/2 years to keep up with consumer demands for streaming video and downloading content. This study was conducted anywhere but your parent’s house.

21. Digital security expert John McAfee says he has developed a new technology called Everykey that can replace your passwords, log you into websites, unlock your phone and even open your digital door locks. The new technology will make life much easier for you and whoever steals your identity.

22. Lake Superior State University in Michigan has released its annual list of words and phrases that it says should be banished in the new year, which includes the phrase “breaking the internet.” So now Time Warner is in the business of malfunctioning the internet.

23. During last week’s Rose Bowl Parade, a skywriter took to the skies and wrote “America is great! Trump is disgusting” above the festivities. And, in related news, Trump has announced a new biggest threat to our country, clouds.

24. A video from a New Year’s Eve performance shows Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee getting stuck on a track drumming upside-down. The last time there was a video showing that much blood rushing to Tommy Lee’s head, he was on a boat with Pamela Anderson.

25. Netflix has posted detailed instructions on its website that teach users how to make socks that pause the streaming service if users fall asleep while watching a movie. So I might be able to finally tell you what happens at the end of “Lincoln.”

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