January 7, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Malaysia Airlines passengers flying to Europe from Kuala Lumpur were told that a temporary ban on checked luggage was in place due “unreasonably strong headwinds” limiting the airlines’ ability to safely carry baggage in cargo. Although, if Malaysia Airlines tells you it’s unsafe for your bags to fly, maybe you should sit this one out too.

2. Any Alabama Crimson Tide or Auburn Tigers fan who watched Tuesday night’s episode of Jeopardy were most likely astonished when a contestant confused the two bitter rivals when answering a question. Even more astonishing, the idea that an Alabama or Auburn fan would be watching Jeopardy.

3. Fifteen couples tied the knot in a mass wedding in the Chinese city of Harbin on Wednesday in freezing temperatures as the city hosted its International Ice and Snow Festival. The couples were able to be their own ‘something blue.’

4. A Spanish company has invented a speaker that is designed to be inserted into the vagina of a pregnant woman to stimulate her unborn baby. For example, if the mother wants her baby to be smart, she’ll play Bach, if she wants it to be relaxed, she’ll play Enya, and if she wants the baby to be born premature, she’ll play Kesha because, if that shit’s playing, that baby is gonna want outta there ASAP.

5. A recent study found that men with erectile dysfunction have a 70% percent increased risk for premature death. Because, apparently, dying from embarrassment is a real thing.

6. A new company is offering customers a chance to cut their hotel bills in half if they are willing to share their room with a stranger. Also being cut in half, those customers … in their sleep … by that stranger.

7. Estrella, a one-and-a-half-year-old mutt who was born without her two front legs, has gained celebrity status in the small Peruvian town of Tinga Maria by hopping around. “Trust me, the novelty wears off,” said Paul McCartney, ex-husband of Heather Mills.

8. Late Tuesday night, North Korea said it successfully tested a powerful nuclear bomb. And, since North Korea had previously blocked Seth Rogen’s film “the Interview,” it truly was the first bomb released in that country this year.

9. On Tuesday, the National Football League’s perennial-losers, the Cleveland Browns, hired Major League Baseball executive Paul DePodesta as their new chief strategy officer. DePodesta’s first strategy, maybe try playing baseball, you couldn’t be much worse.

10. Time Warner Cable said on Wednesday up to 320,000 customers may have had their email passwords stolen. Time Warner assured customers that the data breach will in no way interfere with the cable company’s normal shitty service.

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