January 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In New York, a gang of strippers is being charged with drugging male clients and robbing them of hundreds of thousands of dollars. “You got it all wrong, you’re supposed to give them money afterwards,” said Bill Cosby.

2. According to reports, Cleveland Browns quarterback and supposed reformed-partier Johnny Manziel was in Las Vegas on Saturday night through early Sunday morning gambling, dining and partying in a wig and fake mustache. But, in his defense, if you played for the Browns, you’d wear a disguise too.

3. On Tuesday, NBC announced that MMA fighter Ronda Rousey will host Saturday Night Live on January 23rd. Rousey is the first guest to make a living beating up women since Chris Brown hosted.

4. According to a new trial, a vaginal suppository containing the hormone known as DHEA is a good alternative to estrogen for women with menopause. Begging the question, how bad is taking estrogen?

5. Republican front-runner Donald Trump said, if elected, he probably won’t talk as much. To do so, Trump said he’ll just pretend that he’s Rand Paul at a presidential debate.

6. According to a new report, insomnia is more common amongst women than men. “When God closes a door, he opens a window,” said Bill Cosby.

7. According to a new report, in the event of a natural disaster or epidemic, the U.S. may not have enough medical resources to aid affected children. “Come on epidemic,” said Octomom.

8. Scientists at the University of Washington are conducting a study to determine whether marijuana smokers are more or less likely to drink alcohol. Said study participants, “I love science!”

9. A delivery man for a southern California Dominos has been arrested after stabbing a customer during a fight about a delayed pizza. Which must have been a nice change of pace for that Dominos’ customer who is used to having his body destroyed from the inside.

10. A Muslim man in London says his family was barred because of their religion from boarding a plane bound for Los Angeles, where they planned to visit Disneyland with their children. Even worse than the blatant racism, now they have to go to EuroDisney.

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