December 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Unna, an 18-year-old killer whale who lived at the SeaWorld park in San Antonio, died on Monday. Trainers at the park said the hardest part about losing Unna is finding a toilet big enough to flush her down.

2. Actor Will Smith said he was “repelled” when he first read the script for his new movie “Concussion.” Not to be outdone, Smith was in the hospital for two weeks after reading “Wild Wild West.”

3. A Trans Am that was used to promote the 1977 classic movie Smokey and the Bandit will go up for auction early next year. It’s perfect for anyone who’s looking for a new car to pull their home.

4. On Tuesday, Saudi Arabia-based retail chain Jarir Bookstore said it has removed books written by presidential candidate Donald Trump from its shelves due to his proposed ban on Muslims. Or, as it was reported by Trump, “They can’t keep my book on the shelves over there.”

5. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush has moved quickly to pick up some of Lindsey Graham’s supporters in South Carolina after Graham suspended his campaign. Said those supporters, “We want to lose twice.”

6. According to a report, by age two, many kids can unlock and navigate touch screens with ease. Or, as it was reported in China, potential workforce increases.

7. On Tuesday, director Quentin Tarantino received a star on a section of Hollywood’s Walk of Fame that sees very heavy foot traffic. Marking the first time that the star actually wanted to trade places with the star.

8. After a doctored image circulated online, IKEA was forced to shoot down rumors that one of its tables contained swastika imagery. Which is ridiculous, because swastika aside, that means someone actually put together a table from IKEA correctly.

9. A company has designed a line of new earthquake-proof beds that have collapsible mattresses that automatically drop people into a fortified box in the event of an emergency. The fortified box will keep the individual safe or, if not, serve as a very convenient coffin.

10. According to a police report, a Secret Service agent’s gun, badge, radio, handcuffs and flash drive were stolen in broad daylight Monday near the agency’s headquarters in D.C. The robber would have stolen the agent’s pants if he had remembered to wear them to work that day.

11. According to a new report, as many as 3,200 criminals were mistakenly released too early from Washington state prisons due to calculation errors. That story again, there’s a reason the Seahawks are good this year.

12. A cafe that hires people with hearing impairments has opened in Indonesia. Begging the question, if all the people who have trouble hearing are working there, who’s getting your name wrong at Starbucks?

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