December 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. During Saturday night’s Democratic presidential debate, Bernie Sanders formally apologized to Hillary Clinton after a data-breach. “Apologizing to Hillary, that sounds pretty presidential to me,” said Bill Clinton.

2. Hillary Clinton ended Saturday night’s presidential debate by saying “May the force be with you.” Because Hillary knows the demographic of the people who are usually at home, watching TV on a Saturday night.

3. Hillary Clinton ended Saturday night’s presidential debate by saying “May the force be with you.” Which I assume was a direct response to moderator Wolf Blitzer ending Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate by saying, “These are the not the candidates you are looking for.

4. According to a new law, super-thin models in France must provide a doctor’s certificate confirming they’re of a healthy weight. “I’ll do it!” said every doctor in France in unison.

5. Golfer Jason Day’s wife was injured Thursday night after she was banged into by LeBron James while she was sitting courtside during a Cavs game. The last time a golfer’s wife was banged that hard it was by Tiger Woods, and it wasn’t his wife.

6. A North Korean all-female pop group canceled their Beijing concert last week when Chinese authorities objected to “anti-American” lyrics in the show. Although, if you really want to spread hatred for America, let Kei$ha play.

7. Top Republican Party donor Sheldon Adelson met with Donald Trump on Friday and called the presidential candidate “very charming.” Which can only mean one thing, he didn’t meet Donald Trump.

8. A crowd watching “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” at a theater in Hollywood collectively pitched a fit Friday night when the projector accidentally skipped 15 to 20 minutes ahead in the movie. Luckily there were no injuries since everyone had their inhalers on them.

9. The seven women suing Bill Cosby have subpoenaed the comedian’s wife Camille for a deposition. It will be one of the few depositions where the answer “I do not recall” will be completely understandable.

10. The PBS show “Finding Your Roots” has discovered that Bill Maher and Bill O’Reilly are actually distant cousins. Conclusively proving that a family can have more than one black sheep.

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