December 15, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A couple is set to be married while waiting in line for the new “Star Wars” movie. The couple will be honeymooning in the groom’s parent’s basement.

2. Yesterday, comedian Bill Cosby countersued seven women, saying they lied when they accused him of sexual assault. Which I guess also serves as an admission of guilt for the other forty-three accusers he didn’t sue.

3. After news that Major League Baseball has yet again rejected Pete Rose’s plea to have his lifetime ban lifted, presidential candidate Donald Trump weighed in saying “So ridiculous, let him in!” And I have to say, nothing makes more sense than Donald Trump being friends with Pete Rose.

4. Rumors are circulating that pop-star Justin Bieber and mother-of-three Kourtney Kardashian are dating. Which makes sense, because Courtney said she hated being pregnant but wanted another kid.

5. Ole Miss star defensive lineman Robert Nkemdiche was charged with marijuana possession after breaking through and falling out of a 15-foot-high hotel window in Atlanta on Saturday. Which is not good publicity for the NFL-bound star, but great publicity for that weed.

6. According to a new study, people who live alone are physically healthier when it comes to body mass index than those who live with other people. Begging the question, exactly how many people are living in Chris Christie’s house?

7. Scientists have developed a bomb-proof bag that capable of containing a bomb on an aircraft. So now, finally, there’s a safe way for “Pixels” to be the inflight movie.

8. On Friday, Cuba and the United States agreed to restore direct postal service between the former Cold War rivals. And, as with most things that leave Cuba, no return addresses will be needed.

9. Starting next year, electronic cigarettes and water pipes will be banned in the Netherlands for children under 18. That story again, apparently there are laws in the Netherlands.

10. Pringles is coming out with a candle that smells like its potato chips. Begging the question, what terrible odors are you trying to cover up that Pringles is a better option?

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