December 14, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, the majority of new cases of STDs are occurring in the South. Scientists discovered this when they noticed that a large percentage of people who live in Alabama knew how to spell “gonorrhea.”

2. According to the Pentagon, A mine-detection system the U.S. Navy invested nearly $700 million and 16 years in developing can’t complete its most basic functions. Forcing the Navy to go with its back-up plan, teaching bomb-sniffing dogs to swim.

3. The University of Vermont has announced that it will offer a course in the science of marijuana. The way it works is, if you remember to show up for class, you fail.

4. A group of four Denver Broncos fans alleged that a security guard at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego prevented them from entering the stadium last weekend until they removed their turbans. But, in the security guard’s defense, he also made all the Chargers fans remove the paper bags from their heads before entering.

5. Saudi Arabian women voted for the first time on Saturday in local elections, with some even on the ballot as candidates. Unfortunately, all the female candidates were running for the position of not being stoned to death.

6. On Sunday, the leaders of over 200 countries signed a historic agreement at the Climate Summit in Paris aimed at curbing the effects of climate change. While Fox News denied that such a summit even took place.

7. Over the weekend, vandals damaged a building housing Facebook’s offices in Germany, smashing glass, throwing paint and spraying “Facebook dislike” on a wall. “If anybody asks, say I was with you” said Tom from MySpace.

8. On Friday, Donald Trump responded to Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal, the Saudi billionaire who called him a “disgrace … to all America” on Twitter, by calling him “dopey.” Which I guess means Trump is Grumpy, Jeb is Bashful and Carson is Sleepy.

9. After winning their first twenty-four games of the NBA season, the Golden State Warriors suffered their first loss this year on Saturday to the Milwaukee Bucks. “See, isn’t losing much easier?” said the 76ers.

10. According to reports, Super PACs supported by donors have spent over $30 million on advertisements for Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign. Said those donors, “What is your refund policy?”

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