December 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Tuesday defended his proposal to ban Muslims from entering the United States, comparing his plan to the World War Two detainment of Japanese-Americans. Because, apparently, Donald Trump doesn’t know how analogies work.

2. The White House on Tuesday said Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump’s call for the United States to ban Muslims from entering the country disqualified him from becoming president. Which is silly, because that presumes that he was qualified beforehand.

3. On Monday, Hillary Clinton ate lunch with President Obama. Not to be outdone, Bill took Michelle our for dinner and dancing.

4. According to a new poll, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz has taken the lead in the early-voting state of Iowa. Even more proof that Iowa is definitely not heaven.

5. Coldplay said that a clip of President Obama singing “Amazing Grace” will be featured on the band’s forthcoming album to be released next month. The disc will also include a snippet of Vice President Biden singing “The Wheels on the Bus.”

6. A British woman who tried to kill her husband by poisoning his Christmas drink with anti-freeze was jailed for 15 years last week after being undone by a spelling mistake in a “do not resuscitate” letter she claimed was written by her husband which contained a misspelling of the word dignity as “dignerty,” a mistake she later made when asked to the write the word by the police. Although I’m guessing she didn’t nail “resuscitate” either.

7. According to a new poll, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush is polling at 3%, an all-time low for his campaign. Said fellow-presidential candidate Lindsey Graham, “Wow, a full 3%, what’s your secret?”

8. Porsche will spend over $1 billion on production facilities to make its first-ever all-electric sports car. Because nothing says you can’t care about the environment and also have a small penis.

9. Last week, ahead of the highly-anticipated release of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”, actor Mark Hamill went undercover as a stormtrooper on Hollywood Boulevard to support a charity push. It was a nice break for Hamill who usually plays Batman on Hollywood Boulevard.

10. An entire South Dakota ghost town, complete with its own watering hole, is on sale for $250,000. “So we can increase our own value by adding a watering hole?” said Detroit.

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