December 8, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Philadelphia prosecutors on Monday announced a pilot program that gives people charged with nonviolent felonies a chance to attend college classes as an alternative to going to trial. Which is basically the exact opposite of how FSU works.

2. Dr. Bennet Omalu, the leading expert in the field of concussion research, wrote in an op-ed piece Monday for the New York Times that children should be prevented from playing football before the age of 18. And, if they get drafted by the Cleveland Browns, after 18 as well.

3. It was revealed on Monday that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newborn son Saint West. As in, “The therapist will see you now, Saint West.”

4. Ronnie Wood, the 68-year-old drummer for the Rolling Stones, and his 37-year-old wife announced yesterday that they are expecting twins next June. So I hope that lady really, really, really likes changing diapers.

5. On Monday, Major League Baseball announced that Hall of Famer Cal Ripken Jr. had been named special advisor to the Commissioner on youth programs and outreach. And, on his first day in this new role, Ripken called in sick.

6. A Missouri man named Bud Weisser was taken into custody for trespassing into a Budweiser brewery in St. Louis on Monday. Said the man, “I bet it was those three frogs that ratted me out.”

7. Chinese researchers have developed what they say is the world’s first car that uses nothing but brain power to drive. That story again, the U.S. will be dependent on fossil fuel forever.

8. According to ESPN, Nike has agreed to a lifetime contract with 30-year-old, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James. A lifetime deal could last very long and be very lucrative for James, unless, of course, the Cavs decide to play some home games in Ferguson, Missouri.

9. Two Fox News commentators were suspended on Monday for comments they made while criticizing President Obama. They used such banned words as “rational” and “probably not a Muslim.”

10. On Monday, Jerry Colangelo, who as chief of USA Basketball went 75-1, joined the front office of the 1-20 Philadelphia 76ers. Asked why he made the move, Colangelo said, “I’m sick of winning.”

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