December 7, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, golfer Tiger Woods said he peaked when he was eleven. Begging the question, how much sex was eleven-year-old Tiger Woods having?

2. According to a new study, kids who take prescription medicines to treat ADHD may be twice as likely to be bullied as their peers who don’t. But, on the plus-side, they’re really able to focus on those beatings.

3. Suspended FIFA President Sepp Blatter said in a Swiss newspaper interview published on Saturday that he expects to make his case to the ethics committee of soccer’s governing body in the coming weeks. That story again, Sepp Blatter expects his bank transfers wired to the ethics committee to go through in the coming weeks.

4. Federal agents boarded a Disney cruise ship in Florida on Friday to arrest a Guatemalan judge who is one of dozens of soccer officials charged by U.S. prosecutors investigating corruption in the sport’s world governing body FIFA. Not knowing why the feds were there, a very nervous Geppetto said, “It was international waters, plus he wasn’t even a ‘real boy’ yet.”

5. Reality TV star Kim Kardashian and rapper Kanye West announced the birth of their baby boy in Los Angeles on Saturday. Kanye said the delivery went well and Kim did great, which is unsurprising since she usually does her best work while on her back.

6. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush hinted that, if nominated, he would pick a woman as his running mate. “Word of advice, that doesn’t work with just any woman,” said John McCain.

7. On Saturday night, “Dancing with the Stars” pro Maksim Chmerkovskiy proposed to fellow professional dancer Peta Murgatroyd. Peta said she will take Maksim’s last name, which is, at best, a lateral move.

8. A Catholic priest will be sent to court after admitting he stole more than $741,000 collected from churchgoers and buyers of holy candles for over a quarter of a century. Authorities became suspicious when his reply to “Forgive me Father for I have sinned,” was always, “You think that’s bad…”

9. On Friday, it was reported that a knife was found the prison cell of former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez who is in jail for the murder of his friend Odin Llyod. But, in Hernandez’s defense, he shot Llyod.

10. The Taliban’s main spokesman said on Saturday that he had received a statement from Mullah Akhtar Mansour, the Taliban leader reported to have been wounded or killed in a gunfight in Pakistan this week. The statement reads, “Stop writing this down and go for help!”

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