December 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A former girlfriend of Charlie Sheen on Thursday sued the actor for assault, negligence and emotional distress, saying they had sex at least five times before he revealed he was HIV-positive. Although, the emotional distress claim stems from the time Sheen made her watch a few episodes of “Two and a Half Men.”

2. On Thursday, Playboy announced that Pamela Anderson will be the last person ever to pose nude for the magazine. Because what better way to say that we’re changing our business model because it’s outdated and well past its prime than a naked picture of present-day Pamela Anderson.

3. A Japanese jeweler has created a ‘Star Wars’ calendar made out of 22 pounds of solid gold, worth $800,000. It’s perfect for any ‘Star Wars’ fan who wants a very expensive way to keep track of the zero dates they have.

4. Yesterday, Pantone named “Serenity,” a baby blue, and “Rose Quartz,” a light pink, the colors of the year for 2016. The selections were a huge upset over the perennial favorite, “Who Gives a Shit.”

5. Donald Trump said Thursday he will release a doctor’s report of his health within two weeks that will show he is the image of “perfection.” So we finally have a doctor involved in the presidential race who is more delusional than Ben Carson.

6. Donald Trump said Thursday he will release a doctor’s note of his health within two weeks that will show he is the image of “perfection.” While fellow presidential candidate Chris Christie said in two weeks he will release his doctor’s suicide note.

7. Yesterday it was announced that Coldplay will perform at halftime of this year’s SuperBowl. “We may have to reconsider some things,” said the 11-0 Carolina Panthers.

8. Honduran police arrested a Syrian woman and two Pakistani men on Saturday after determining they were traveling illegally and presumably en route to the United States. Multiple Republican presidential candidates thanked Honduran officials and then kindly reminded them that they too are not welcomed in the United States.

9. Shares of Match Group Inc., the parent company of popular dating site Match.com and mobile app Tinder, jumped as much as 24 percent in their market debut, valuing the company at $3.57 billion. Of course, they said they were worth $7 billion on their dating profile.

10. A new study suggests that house cats share similar personality traits with African lions. Which is really bad news for Whiskers and Sam, the house cats of one dentist in Minnesota.

11. Major U.S. computer company Dell said on Monday a security hole exists in some of its recently shipped laptops that could make it easy for hackers to access users’ private data. Said one spokesperson for Dell, “Dude, you’re getting your identity stolen.”

12. A fourteen year-old from Kentucky set a new world record for solving a Rubik’s Cube in just 4.9 seconds at a competition. The ensuing celebration also set a world record for most inhalers used at the same time.

13. Adele announced on Thursday she would begin a 15-week concert tour of Britain, Ireland and continental Europe in February. It will give Adele fans a nice break from being sad and depressed at home.

14. A new study found that people are more likely to be rude if they witness rudeness from someone else. So good luck getting anyone to hold the door for you at a Trump rally.

15. Last week, firefighters in Germany had to drag a man out of a sex store that was on fire because he refused to leave his private video booth until he finished watching porn film he had bought. Unfortunately, the man didn’t make it and, even worse, because of rigor mortis, they couldn’t close the casket.

16. A patent recently filed by airline company Airbus allows for the plane’s cabin, where passengers sit, to be detached from the rest of the plane. “You’ll be hearing from our lawyers,” said Malaysian Airlines.

17. A little girl in Illinois is making and sending crosses along with handwritten letters to police officers all over the country. “Why is it okay when she sends a message a cross?” said the KKK.

18. Last week, Democrat Hillary Clinton won the endorsement of the ironworkers’ union. Which is odd because I always assumed she had brass ones.

19. The FBI is looking into the violent arrest of a fan at University of Mississippi football game after a video showed a security officer punching the man in the face during the arrest. Luckily the man suffered only bruises and didn’t lose any teeth, but that’s only because he didn’t have any to begin with.

20. On Monday, Former child star and fashion designer Mary-Kate Olsen married Frenchman Olivier Sarkozy in a quiet New York ceremony. During the ceremony, Sarkozy said “I do” while Mary-Kate went with the less formal, “You got it, dude.”

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