December 3, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said on Wednesday his plan for fighting ISIS involves targeting not just the group’s fighters but also their families. “It’s not fair to clump people together just because they are or were related to a monster,” said Marla Maples.

2. The North American Aerospace Defense Command, or NORAD, will keep tabs on Santa and his reindeers on its website And, if they are able to zero in on his coordinates, they will send in a drone.

3. Last week, the NFL announced that the Jacksonville Jaguars will return to London for a fourth successive year when they take part in the first of three games being staged there next October. It’s all part of the NFL’s new slogan, “Fuck England.

4. The co-founder of a Singapore church was sentenced to eight years in jail last week for fraudulently diverting millions of dollars to support his wife’s pop singing career. And, in related news, Keisha’s manager has gone into hiding.

5. Last week, firefighters in Germany were called to put out a massive fire at a local sex store. But, to be fair, that was the only way to properly clean that store.

6. Dominos announced a new physical button in the U.K. that will order a pizza whenever pushed. So, if Chris Christie becomes president, and you’re worried about him having his finger on the button, you’re gonna have to be more specific about which button.

7. In a recent interview, Donald Trump said he believes in heaven and hopes to get there one day. “How does Friday work for you?” said the other Republican candidates.

8. According to police, a Saudi Arabian man vacationing in Aspen became enraged after his cabbie refused to take a sniff of cocaine he allegedly offered. I doubt the driver was trying to be rude, but, I assume, like most people riding inside a taxi, he just didn’t want to breath in.

9. Brazilian police are hunting for a Sao Paulo Santa Claus who kicked off the Christmas shopping season by stealing a helicopter. So there goes Rudolph’s job security.

10. Kobe Bryant, arguably the best player of his generation, announced on Sunday he will retire after this NBA season. While his teammates on the 3-15 Lakers apparently decided to retire at the beginning of the season.

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