December 1, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The skull of the black bear that inspired the children’s books “Winnie-the-Pooh” has gone on display for the first time ever at the London Zoo. So, if you’re children love Winnie-the-Pooh and you hate your children…

2. Last Sunday, Pfizer, maker of Viagra, acquired Allergan, maker of Botox, for more than $150 billion. The executives at Allergen were happy, although you couldn’t tell it from their faces, while it was very easy to tell just how excited the Pfizer execs were.

3. Last week, while performing in Chicago, singer Miley Cyrus wore a purple wig, moon-boots, prosthetic breasts and a large dildo. And yet, Billy Ray’s mullet still remains that family’s worst fashion decision.

4. According to court documents, the wife of disgraced former Subway pitchman, Jared Fogle has filed for divorced. Said Fogle, “It’s for the better, once she turned 15, she really lost her looks.”

5. On Thanksgiving day, rapper Big Sean performed at halftime of an NFL game which saw the Detroit Lions embarrass the Philadelphia Eagles 45-14. Somehow, while performing, Big Sean managed to score two touchdowns and a field goal against the Eagles’ defense.

6. In a recent interview, Donald Trump said he believes in heaven and hopes to get there one day. A heaven with Donald Trump or, as it’s more commonly known, hell.

7. After being accused of being a racist, Donald Trump emerged from a lengthy meeting with black pastors in New York City on Monday saying “I saw love in that room. I see love everywhere I go.” But, keep in mind, Trump also thinks people are telling him that he’s ‘number one’ when they’re flicking him off.

8. The Federal Reserve officially adopted a new rule Monday that limits its ability to lend emergency money to banks. Said banks, “So we can just have the money now?”

9. According to reports, Philadelphia 76ers rookie center Jahlil Okafor reportedly tried to use a fake ID at a bar in Philadelphia in late October. But, if you played for the 0-18 76ers, you’d pretend to be somebody else too.

10. On Monday, 294 music fans in Mexico sought to break the world record for gathering together the largest number of people dressed as members of iconic rock band The Beatles. They failed to set the record because no one dressed as Ringo.

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