November 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, actress Sofia Vergara married actor Joe Manganiello, best known for playing a stripper in the “Magic Mike” movies. Which is not the result I was hoping for from a sentence containing the words “Sofia Vergara” and “stripper.”

2. Justin Bieber stormed the British singles charts on Friday with three singles from his new album in the top five, a feat no other artist has managed since John Lennon. So, if Mark David Chapman hadn’t killed him, this probably would have done it.

3. In a recent interview, Republican Donald Trump said it is “highly unlikely,” if elected president, he would ever use nuclear weapons. While Jeb just ended that sentence after the word “president.”

4. Hotel chain operator Hilton Worldwide said last week that it identified unauthorized malware in some payment systems that targeted payment card information. Which is a nice change of pace, because it’s usually a Hilton that is unknowingly giving out the viruses.

5. Last week the Texas Attorney General’s office halted dating service Lone Star Introductions and others from operating in the state because it said the firms had harassed and threatened clients. Or, as Chris Brown calls it, foreplay.

6. According to a new study, people who speak two languages are twice as likely as those who only speak one to regain normal cognitive function after a stroke. Especially if one of those languages was gibberish.

7. Over 1,000 clowns performed during last week’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. The last time that many clowns got together in one place, Megyn Kelly was moderating.

8. Last week, firefighters in Germany had to drag a man out of a sex store that was on fire because he refused to leave his private video booth until he finished watching the porn film he had bought. But, to his credit, once he did, he was able to put out a very small part of the fire on his own.

9. Minor league home run king Mike Hessman says he is retiring after spending 19 years in the minors. “You had my attention at ’19 years’ and ‘minor,’” said Jared Fogle.

10. Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson said on Sunday that he found facilities at a Syrian refugee camp in Jordan to be “really quite nice” and that people there would rather stay or return home to Syria than come to the United States. Especially once they learned that Carson lived in the U.S.

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