November 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Disgraced former Subway pitchman Jared Fogle was sentenced to 15 years in federal prison Thursday after pleading guilty to charges of child pornography. Fogle said it was the first time he wasn’t excited to get something that was 15 years.

2. In a new interview, actress Jennifer Lawrence said she “got really, really drunk” before filming a sex scene with Chris Pratt for an upcoming film entitled “Passengers.” “I knew she was drunk during our scene, but not that drunk,” said her “Passengers” co-star Woody Allen.

3. Former New York Yankee Derek Jeter sued luxury underwear company RevolutionWear to defend himself against allegations he cost the company $26 million by failing to promote its brand. While former Yankee teammate Alex Rodriguez is also being sued by the same underwear company, claiming that A-Rod cost them $26 million because he promoted the brand.

4. The last two of six N.C. Wyeth paintings stolen from a Maine collector in 2013 have been recovered by agents from the FBI. Turns out the paintings weren’t stolen, but they left Maine on their own accord out of boredom.

5. Frank Sullivan, the co-writer of 1980s hit “Eye of the Tiger” has filed a federal lawsuit against Republican Mike Huckabee for playing the song at a rally for Kentucky clerk Kim Davis when she was released from jail. Sullivan is suing because he thinks the Baja Men’s “Who Let the Dogs Out” would have much more appropriate for the situation.

6. On Tuesday night, singer Adele performed a free concert at Radio City Music Hall. There hasn’t been an entire theater full of that many crying people since the last screening of ‘Pixels.’

7. A customer sued the operator of a McDonald’s restaurant in New York on Wednesday after diners were exposed to food and drinks prepared by a worker with hepatitis A. So, contrary to popular belief, some McDonalds workers do get A’s.

8. On Wednesday, British American Tobacco said it plans to test a hybrid product that combines tobacco and e-cigarette technology next week in a European market. It’s a great way to remind former-smokers who have made the switch to the e-cigs what they’re missing.

9. On Tuesday, retired professional soccer player David Beckham was named “People” magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. Because Beckham really is sexy in any medium where you can’t hear him talk.

10. Florida police arrested a woman in a storage room facility after she assaulted her husband during an argument over which sexual position is the best. I don’t know what position they ultimately settled upon, but I’m fairly confident that if you’re having sex in a storage facility, no one comes out on top.

11. Radio Shack announced that they will be celebrating Black Friday on Wednesday of next week. They’re not doing it on purpose, but because they’re operating off of an electronic calendar they bought at a Radio Shack.

12. In a recent interview, Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn said she does not regret anything about her relationship with golfer and former-boyfriend Tiger Woods. Said Woods, “I wish I could return the compliment, but I don’t remember which one she was.”

13. According to a new study, patients prefer to receive their medical test results via a password-protected website. Although they did not like that the password was “YoureScrewed.”

14. A 25-year-old man who applied for a job at a Michigan sheriff’s department was arrested after a background check revealed he was wanted in Kentucky on sexual assault charges. But, since the charges were brought by his sister, he still qualifies to be a sheriff in the Kentucky.

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