November 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, 74-year-old presidential candidate Bernie Sanders joined Snapchat. Bernie’s followers can expect a lot of messages about income inequality and a lot of pictures of the inside of his pocket.

2. One of Google’s self-driving cars was pulled over this weekend for driving too slowly. Upon seeing that the car was empty, the officer went back and searched his own vehicle for weed.

3. U.S. Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton on Tuesday won the endorsement of the two-million-member Service Employees International labor union. Said Bernie Sanders, “I guess I shouldn’t have sent my soup back so many times.”

4. In a new interview, reflecting on what he will do after his term is over, President Obama said he has fantasized about owning a professional basketball team. “We have that same fantasy,” said the owners of the 76ers.

5. In a new interview, reflecting on what he will do after his term is over, President Obama said he has fantasized about owning a professional basketball team. “Looks like I got out just in time,” said Donald Sterling.

6. In a new interview, President Obama said he hasn’t had a cigarette in over five years. Which can only mean one thing, Michelle was present during the interview.

7. In a new interview, President Obama said that Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers is the pro athlete he’s most like. Obama said he chose Rodgers not because he’s cool and collected in the pocket but because he wants to fuck Olivia Munn.

8. Use of a blood test to detect prostate cancer is on the decline after a U.S. government-back panel advised against using it. Said your doctor to you as he slowly pulled on one rubber glove.

9. According to a new study, a 2013 Texas law aimed at restricting abortions has led to more women trying to end a pregnancy on their own. But, on the plus side, the past two years have never been better for Texas Pete’s Alcohol and Wire Hanger Emporium.

10. On Tuesday, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is suspending his campaign for the presidency. That story again, apparently Bobby Jindal was running for president.

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