November 11, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The New York state attorney general on Tuesday ordered the fantasy sports sites DraftKings and FanDuel to stop accepting bets in New York, saying that the operations were essentially illegal gambling. So now you’re best bet to lose money on sports in New York is to own the Knicks.

2. It was revealed this week that Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson owns a painting of himself and Jesus that hangs in his home. “Big deal, I got a photograph of me with the devil,” said Dick Cheney.

3. It was revealed this week that Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson owns a painting of himself and Jesus that hangs in his home. Those who have seen the painting call it a conversation piece, a conversation that goes something like “How the hell is this guy leading in the polls?”

4. Seattle’s “gum wall,” on which tourists and locals visiting Pike Place Market have mashed more than 1 million pieces of old chewing gum, began getting a deep clean on Tuesday for the first time in 20 years. Four out of five dentists agreed that it was fucking disgusting.

5. Rapper Snoop Dogg has come out with his own line of marijuana called Leafs by Snoop. The slogan for his product is “Weed so good you’ll forget about Dre.”

6. 1. A top Ben Carson aide says Donald Trump “should be nervous and actually, desperate” over the retired brain surgeon’s rise in the Republican presidential field. I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re all nervous about it.

7. After suffering a possible career-ending injury by slipping on concrete on the sideline of the St. Louis Rams’ stadium last weekend, San Francisco running back Reggie Bush is reportedly suing the City of St. Louis. “Wait, you can sue a city,” said residents of Detroit.

8. A toilet themed cafe has opened in Moscow. Or, as it is known in the U.S., Taco Bell.

9. In a recent interview Pope Francis revealed that as a little boy he wanted to become a butcher. Which is ironic because the Pope’s older, much less popular brother Jeb always wanted to be Pope.

10. According to airline experts, around 25 million passengers are expected to fly home for Thanksgiving. What they don’t tell you is that 35 million people have booked tickets.

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