November 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said he would like to have a drink with Jesus. Although, if he truly is a fiscal conservative, he’ll order two glasses of water and let Jesus take it from there.

2. Pope Francis had to be helped up the steps to an altar at a Roman basilica on Monday, the second time he has fallen publicly since Saturday. Sounds like the Pope has been partying with Jimmy Fallon.

3. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie vetoed a legislative package aimed at rescuing Atlantic City just before a deadline to act on Monday. Christie said he decided to veto the bill after he found out that other places had buffets.

4. On Monday, President Obama joined Facebook. “Obama’s on Facebook? I gotta delete some stuff off my feed!” said your uncle.

5. According to a new report, good evidence on the safety of silicone gel breast implants is still lacking almost 10 years after they were reintroduced to the U.S. market. “I’m gathering data as fast as I can,” said Bill Clinton.

6. On Monday, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush told the Huffington Post that, if given the opportunity, he would go back in time and kill baby Hitler. And, to make his life a little easier today, he would also go back in time and vote for Gore.

7. In what many called a surprise win, Filipina Trixie Maristela was crowned Miss International Queen 2015 at a contest in Thailand billed as the world’s largest transgender pageant. Although no one was as surprised as Trixie’s longtime boyfriend, Mark.

8. 50-year-old retired wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin told the Dallas Morning News he could quarterback the Cowboys until Tony Romo return from injury. And, in future news, New York Giant quarterback Eli Manning is out with a concussion after he rolled out on a 3rd and long and was hit over the head with a folding chair.

9. Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei clarified the meaning of the common chant “Death to America,” saying that it does not mean death to America but instead refers to America’s policies. Kinda like how you’ve stopped trying to correct your grandpa when he says something racist in favor of just waiting for him to die.

10. In a recent interview, Joe Lacob, owner of the Golden State Warriors, implied that he and his wife involved the team’s recent NBA championship trophy in their sex life. Lacob said it’s insurance that if at some point in the future the NBA determines the team cheated and wants to expunge their championship from the record books, they won’t ask for the trophy back.

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