November 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump hosted “Saturday Night Live” over the weekend. Which seemed like an odd choice since Rand Paul is actually living in a van down by the river.

2. Donald Trump’s appearance as host of “Saturday Night Live” over the weekend earned the TV comedy sketch show its highest viewership since 2012. This according to the ratings that came out Sunday and Donald Trump a month ago.

3. Last week, Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson released a new 60 second radio ad that uses rap music to try to appeal to black voters. It’s so bad that Macklemore has already put it on his next album.

4. Last week, Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said he would like to have a beer with Jesus. So that settles it, Jesus is never coming back.

5. Former President George H.W. Bush has a new autobiography coming out entitled “Destiny and Power.” Said former President Bill Clinton, “You know Destiny, too?”

6. A large sinkhole opened up in a parking lot of a IHOP restaurant in Mississippi on Sunday. Or, more likely, after years of abuse, the parking lot outside of a Mississippi IHOP finally gave way.

7. Gunnar Hansen, the actor who terrorized moviegoers as the psychotic, chainsaw-wielding Leatherface in 1974’s “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” has died at 68. Beware, these things tend to happen in threes, first Joan Rivers, now Leatherface, watch your back Renee Zellweger.

8. Over the weekend, Universal announced intentions to make a live-action film version of “The Little Mermaid.” May I suggest Lindsay Lohan for the lead role, she’s a red-head, already smells like rotting fish and is very familiar with crabs.

9. Pope Francis has released a music album entitled “Wake Up!”, a selection of his public speeches set to music. The Pope went with “Wake Up!” because “Shake Ya Ass!” was already taken.

10. On Friday, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson lashed out against the media after they questioned the validity of many of the claims the candidate made in the past. Carson said “You can’t trust everything the media says, especially if they are directly quoting me.”

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