1. This week, presidential candidate Donald Trump released his new book entitled “Crippled America.” And, much like Trump himself, it is very easy to put down.
2. The presence of Russian submarines near undersea internet cables has U.S. officials concerned that Russia could be planning to sever the lines in periods of conflict. But joke’s on you Russia, I have Timer Warner as my internet provider, so, if you cut the cable, I won’t even notice a difference.
3. A gay couple in Pennsylvania, who after 40 years of being together adopted one another to legally become father and son, are trying to get the adoption undone so they can be married. “What does one thing have to do with the other?” said Woody Allen.
4. According to a new study, having a facelift may not improve one’s self-esteem. Luckily that’s why God invented boob-jobs.
5. A website in Spain that uses Google translate, mis-translated a vegetable festival as the clitoris festival. Which was bad news for patrons who showed up for the clitoris festival but great news for the guy at the vegetable festival selling cucumbers.
6. A Canadian pharmacy had to apologize this weekend after accidentally handing out bi-polar medication to Halloween trick-or-treaters instead of candy. Luckily, when the pharmacy corrected its mistake and started handing out those large orange circus peanuts, the medication came in handy.
7. A 33-year-old woman is being treated for injuries she suffered over the weekend after she broke into the Nebraska Zoo to pet a tiger. “It’s like we’ve always said, women and tigers don’t mix,” said Siegfried and Roy.
8. Last week, the New York Times editorial board called on Chris Christie to drop out of the race for the White House, saying he has neglected his home state of New Jersey. Begging the question, if someone neglected New Jersey, how could you tell?
9. According to a new poll, a large percentage of millennials are chronically stressed about money. They are in so much debt, much like the millennials themselves, their bank accounts “can’t even.”
10. After last week’s heavily-critiziced CNBC debate, the campaign managers of many of the Republican presidential candidates met in Washington D.C. Sunday night to discuss how to ensure upcoming debates contain more substantive questions. Questions like “How do we deal with ISIS?” and “Who gave Bobby Jindal’s campaign manager this address?”