November 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Arkansas has rejected a proposed amendment to legalize marijuana in the state due to errors of grammar, punctuation and spelling in the proposed bill. No word on whether the errors were because the person penning the bill was high or just from Arkansas.

2. Wednesday night, after going 4-for-11 in shooting, Cleveland Cavalier superstar LeBron James ripped the sleeves off his jersey and played the rest of the game that way. James did so on the advice of his shooting coach Larry the Cable Guy.

3. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush’s new e-book is entitled “Reply All.” Because, much like the most common response to reply all emails, for the past eight years and the foreseeable future Jeb will be out of office.

4. This week, presidential candidate Donald Trump released his new book entitled “Crippled America.” And, much like Trump himself, it is very easy to put down.

5. This week Twitter changed from offering a star to ‘favorite’ tweets to a heart to ‘like’ tweets saying, “You might like a lot of things but not everything can be your favorite.” Which can only mean one thing, Twitter has never seen Jimmy Fallon introduce guests on the Tonight Show.

6. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee failed to qualify for next Tuesday’s prime-time Republican presidential debate, which will feature a smaller field of eight candidates, Fox Business said on Thursday. Christie and Huckabee said they knew they were in trouble when they heard Fox Business wanted to ‘thin out’ the field.

7. According to reports, a new, more limited system for monitoring Americans’ phone calls for signs of terrorism is so slow and cumbersome that the U.S. National Security Agency will likely never use it. That story again, the NSA uses Sprint.

8. In a recent interview, 4’7’’ sex expert Dr. Ruth Westheimer said she does not endorse threesomes. But is in favor of two-and-a-halfsomes.

9. Animal rights advocates are seeking homes for scores of dogs raised for South Korea’s canine meat market but sent to the U.S. for adoption after their breeder switched to growing rice. “I’ll take ‘em all,” said good-samaritan Smicheal Svick:
Vick

10. Republican presidential candidates Mike Huckabee, Ted Cruz and Bobby Jindal all went pheasant hunting last weekend. Although the pheasants weren’t worried at all because they knew those candidates don’t have a shot.

11. A man in Texas stabbed his roommate during a fight over a piece of fried chicken. Yeah, they didn’t call him COLONEL Sanders for nothing.

12. Vice President Joe Biden and European Union Chief Executive Jean-Claude Juncker discussed the need to craft a new transatlantic data-sharing agreement during a phone call on Tuesday. The phone call took much longer than expected because Biden kept asking Juncker if he was related to Jean Claude Van Damme.

13. Comedian Jon Stewart has signed a deal with HBO to produce short-form digital content on current events. “That’s weird, if he wants to keep telling jokes why didn’t he just go get his old job back?” said Jay Leno.

14. On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush attacked rival Marco Rubio’s record of missed Senate votes, saying it showed Rubio had “given up” on breaking through the political gridlock in Washington. Good to see Bush is familiar with the phrase “give up” because I get the sense he will be saying it in the not-too-distant future.

15. Golf announcer David Feherty said the game urgently needs a bigger ball to keep the average amateur golfer interested. “I cannot tell you how much I disagree with using larger balls,” said Tom Brady.

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