November 5, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The presence of Russian submarines near undersea internet cables has U.S. officials concerned that Russia could be planning to sever the lines in periods of conflict. But joke’s on you Russia, I have Timer Warner as my internet provider, so, if you cut the cable, I won’t even notice a difference.

2. Airbnb said on Wednesday it plans to form 100 home-sharing clubs in cities across the U.S. during 2016. The company described the clubs as like a Days Inn but without all the charm.

3. NBCUniversal and Viacom Inc are each opening labs where they will study TV viewers in mock living rooms filled with infrared cameras tracking their biometrics. The cameras are so sensitive they can catch the exact second that a viewer decides to stand up and turn off “Bones.”

4. Donald Trump’s new book “Crippled America: How to Make America Great Again” came out this week. And, in a rare instance of compassion, Trump dedicated the book “To the love of his life, Donald Trump.”

5. This week, Sprint signed the first cellphone roaming deal to serve the island of Cuba. And, if I know Cubans well, they’re really gonna test that roaming feature.

6. Google is working on a new feature called Smart Reply, which will scan the contents of incoming emails and suggest appropriate replies. Which means we are only a couple of months away from your own computer mocking you by suggesting that you order two cases of boner pills.

7. An Oklahoma mayor had to apologize after her husband and three friends dressed up in Ku Klux Klan costumes for Halloween and stood near a wooden cross with torches. Said the mayor, “It could have been a lot worse, luckily I misheard my husband and dressed up as Tigger.”

8. Finland rolled out a set of national emojis featuring a couple in a sauna, an old Nokia phone and a heavy-metal music fan. Not to be outdone, American introduced its own set of national emojis which included images of Uncle Sam, a bald eagle and a teenager not being able to locate Finland on a map.

9. A US-based student has developed an algorithm that helps drones fly through trees at 30 miles per hour without crashing. The way it works is you don’t let Harrison Ford fly the drone.

10. Actor Danny DeVito says he and Arnold Schwarzenegger are keen to reprise their roles as long-lost brothers in a sequel to “Twins,” with Eddie Murphy joining the cast as another sibling. A movie where Schwarzenegger has been hiding a relative for years, it’s literally the role he’s been preparing for his entire life.

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