November 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. An overconfident Mets fan got a tattoo proclaiming his team the 2015 champs before they lost last week to the Royals. But, what better way to remember the Mets’ play in this year’s World Series than by getting a tattoo containing an error.

2. A gay couple in Pennsylvania, who after 40 years of being together adopted one another to legally become father and son, are trying to get the adoption undone so they can be married. “What does one thing have to do with the other?” said Woody Allen.

3. According to a new study, having a facelift may not improve one’s self-esteem. Luckily that’s why God invented boob-jobs.

4. A website in Spain that uses Google translate, mis-translated a vegetable festival as the clitoris festival. Which was bad news for patrons who showed up for the clitoris festival but great news for the guy at the vegetable festival selling cucumbers.

5. A Canadian pharmacy had to apologize this weekend after accidentally handing out bi-polar medication to Halloween trick-or-treaters instead of candy. Luckily, when the pharmacy corrected its mistake and started handing out those large orange circus peanuts, the medication came in handy.

6. A Canadian pharmacy had to apologize this weekend after accidentally handing out bi-polar medication to Halloween trick-or-treaters instead of candy. Said disappointed parents, “Last year they had Vicodin.”

7. Over the weekend, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders took his three grandchildren trick-or-treating in New Hampshire. His grandkids said they hate trick-or-treating with Grandpa Bernie because he always eats all their Snickers and says he’s just redistributing the candy.

8. Handbags owned by late British prime minister Margaret Thatcher are set to be auctioned off by Christie’s later this year. They expect Thatcher’s purses to sell better than those owned by J. Edgar Hoover.

9 Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush is reportedly upset that during last week’s presidential debate, CNBC put up a graphic touting his experience as a Lehman Brothers consultant from 2007 to 2008. Bush said he wanted the graphic about his background to read “Only son of former-President George H.W. Bush.”

10. On Monday, Snoopy was given a star on Hollywood’s renowned Walk of Fame. After which Snoopy gave an acceptance speech in which he said, “Fuck Marmaduke.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.